I’m Sorry

“I deserve so much better than you.”

Those were the last words he said to me before he left.

Maybe it hurt me so much because deep down I knew that was true.

I thought loving you would make me good enough.

Loving someone else would fix what was broken.

I tried so hard to hide myself behind love, ashamed that I was unlovable.

Terrified I had always been this way.

When I met you my heart was sad and empty, so I would scrape out anything I could but I was digging into a bottomless pit of nothing good.

I kept hurting myself to give and what I was giving was barely a drop in the bucket for either of us.

I felt so much pain and I resented you because I thought you were to blame but the truth was the one I resented most was myself.

What I had to offer you, it wasn’t love, it was fear and desperation.

Love isn’t selfish but I was, love doesn’t look for it’s own interest but I did.

I’m sorry I couldn’t fill you up the way I wish.

I’m sorry I couldn’t love you the way I dreamed of, the way you deserved.

Most of all I’m sorry for thinking I could love someone, when I hated myself.

I lost you and I have no right to mourn what was.

All I hope now is that your next love has a heart that is happy and full.

I hope it’s a love that fills you up, until it over flows and there is no more wanting.

This is what you deserve and I hope one day I can give that kind of love and be loved like that in return.