But you were just so sick;
And I can’t get those images of you out of my head.
When people lose a loved one like this-
they rarely talk about the trauma that comes with it.
I watched your life slip away from you as I sat there,
Helpless to help or do anything about it because you had a DNR.
Every fiber in my being wanted to do CPR,
Or maybe if I screamed loud enough you’d come back to me.
It took two to three minutes when your lungs quit working for your heart to quick working too;
And I felt your pulse get weaker and weaker as I-sobbing and screaming-
eventually just held you to me so you could let go.
Those were probably the longest, most excruciating minutes of my life.
Your face went pale and you had snot coming out of your nose-
It was like you were trying to breathe but your lungs just gave in.
It happened so fast-
It took one wrong cough and that was it.
Even two months later;
The echoes of my own screams still haunt me.
And so;
In the aftermath I’ve had such a hard time dealing with this,
How do you deal with your own father dying in your arms?
Somehow you always had the answers to everything but-
This time I’m left to find them for myself.
Sometimes I wish it happened differently but
At the same time I wouldn’t have it any other way because you didn’t go alone;
And that kind of comforts me.
That’s all I wanted for you-
To know you were not in this alone.
And it wasn’t just you dying that hurt either,
It was that I watched you get weaker and weaker over a period of two years to where you couldn’t do anything by yourself without help and I-
I threw myself into survival mode just to get us both through it until you decided you couldn’t go anymore.
I wasn’t ready for you to go;
But you knew you needed to and I did too-
and I just really hope that you’re out there somewhere watching over me and-
I hope you know I’m not mad at you for leaving.
I’m just.
Traumatized.
