I lit the candle and lowered myself in the bubbles-
Willing my nervous system to cooperate with me so the stress in my shoulders could get some relief.
But some memories don’t just live in your mind.
And I had to coach myself through breathing;
The music should’ve calmed me but instead I got flashes of angry eyes,
Hands so tight around my upper arms I thought they’d leave bruises.
Sometimes they did.
Before I knew it I was splashing water over my legs to ground myself to the tub-
Gritting my teeth as the spa music stopped sounding like music and started sounding like a twenty three year old girl backed against the bedroom door,
Half naked and crying as her husband screamed that it wasn’t love.
It was hate.
I forced my mind to picture you instead.
Soft brown curls.
Gentle hands.
Calm breathing.
Until my pulse was as steady as your heartbeat was when I laid my head on your chest.
It worked enough for the heat of the water to do what I needed it to do-
I didn’t even realize I’d been crying until the world came back into focus.
I lit the candle and lowered myself in the bubbles as I willed my body to cooperate with me-
I needed the physical stress relief.
I underestimated the hurdles I’d have to jump just to sit in a bathtub.
