I searched for your face in the crowd-
I knew it was pointless and yet I did it anyways.
I scanned every tall man-
Every similar hoodie to the ones you used to wear,
At one point I swore I saw you but on the double take I was wrong.
The air was cool-
My boots crunched over fallen autumn leaves,
Different halloween music came every which direction;
Added to my grief it was almost disorienting.
I wonder what your kids would’ve dressed up as if you were still here.
And I felt like an outsider-
There was so much laughter around me,
Too many thank-you’s to count
And I was killing myself just trying to smile.
Laughing was an option until I almost cried.
I reached for your hand too many times to count before I realized it wasn’t you-
I’m still getting used to the change,
You wouldn’t want it like this but it is and I don’t know how to stop it.
Thank god he’s as patient as you were because
I searched for your face in the crowd.
I scanned every face for an hour until I realized it was pointless.
You aren’t coming back.
