Suicidal thoughts

I lay and think "i can make this my last breath,"
But ironically i always miss when I'm aiming for death.
I continue to question my life and i don't know why,
I know that somewhere in my heart i really don't wanna die.
in my mind this same question always seems to appear,
"Who would actually miss me if i was no longer here?"
Its scary to know that in a blink you could be no more,
Maybe that would be better than being empty and sore.
Feeling alone isn't as fun as it may seem,
Sometimes i get so sad that i just wanna scream.
I feel that suicide is an easy way out and also very weak,
Cutting helps temporally but its not what i seek.
I need something continual that'll make me feel whole.
Anything that will lighten my lighten my heart and purify my soul,
Please help me caz your my last hope of life.
I know it wont help to continually use the knife.
I don't want suicide but its the only open path i can see,
Why can't these thoughts leave and let me be!