Unknown History

I think back
And I can’t remember
When I started
And I can’t remember
What pushed me to the point
Of needing to open my skin
To get rid of pain

When was my first time?
I think it was seventh grade
But I might be wrong
All these cuts
All the lost blood
They’ve become a blue
I can’t remember every one

The ones that didn’t scar
Have faded from my past
And from my mind
I count 18 scars
But I know there was more
It’s impossible to know
How many I’ve had

I can’t remember
Which ones I reopened
Which ones I went back over
Or how many times I did
Even my most recent
I’ve already gone over again

If I had kept track
Of every single cut
Who knows how high
The number would be
If I counted every single time
I went back over
I know the number
Would at least be doubled

They tell me I’ll regret it
Once I’m finally happy
And I see these scars
But how could I regret it
When I know I need them
To remember my past
I wrote my autobiography
Onto my skin

The marks that are still here
Are worth more than words
Each scar
Is every one of my poems
Every feeling in my body
Every emotion I’ve ever felt
They are my past
They are my history

The ones that have faded
The ones that didn’t scar
They took with them
A part of my past
That I’ll never have back
And I’ll never remember
The emotions that over came me
When I did those cuts

My past has holes
Things have slipped from my mind
The scars that are still here
Will stay to remind me
But those that have faded
Caused me to forget
So my history will never be whole
It will always be
My unknown history