Unfeeling

Tonight
As I gazed in the mirror
I looked at my throat
And I wanted to slit it

It took all I had
To not close my eyes
And picture the blood
Rushing down my body
And pouring to the floor

As I finally tore my gaze away
And tried to make my mind stop thinking
About what I wanted to do
And my body stop feeling
My imagined blood's touch
My eyes fell on my wrists

I saw the marks that are still there
And imagined them reopened
Except this time cut deeper
And I wouldn't try to stop it
I would slit them both
Over and over again

Once again I tore my gaze away
And my eyes settled on my cabinet
I opened the door and stared at all the drugs
Imagining taking each bottle
And emptying them into my stomach
While my lungs cried for the air
My ripped throat was depriving them
And my hands bathed in my blood
That my slit wrists provided

This is not the first time
These thoughts have drifted to me
But it was the only time
They did not cause me to weep
Or crumble up in fear
And my dry eyes
And my unfeeling heart
To the thought of suicide
Scared me more
Than those thoughts ever have