Escape

I want to escape to that place once again
the place that's restricted.. though i have twice been
the dark, cold place with endless strife
where you can end your pain, by using the knife

how is that possible? wouldn't that hurt more?
You wouldn't understand, unless you've done it before
with each drop of blood, each shock of pain
I am able to make my emotions numb, once again
just one stroke of the knife
maybe once more..
The rest of my life, I choose to ignore

I'm escaping again, or so it seems to feel
on the road to that place, where I will reveal
that pain inside. It will come out in red
but if I do this enough, I will soon be dead

something in my mind tells me, that this is all wrong
stupid and pointless. instead, I "should" remain strong.
however, i cannot understand
there is this force pushing me,
making me think violent things

I want to fight back. I don't want to be what I am starting to become.
I don't want to be a cutter.
I know I'm not THAT dumb..
I must resist from joining that world, where razors and knives rule.
I can't start to move in that direction, I must not be a fool.

I want my life back, to the way it once was,
before cutting was introduced to me, before I liked the sight of blood,
before I started to get all teary, before I said goodbye to joy..
before I stupidly gave up on my life, like throwing away a broken toy

I thought the thoughts were over
I wish it will soon end
I doubt that will happen
because.. in order for that to occur..

I need a friend..