The Pain of Knowing

Hot bile rises up my throat
splashing and burning
i gag and cry
my stomach flipping and churning
just over something i have read
which i shouldn't have
i never cry and the tears come as a surprise
i feel them warm against my cold cheek
why did i have to go and destroy myself?
i believed in so much
but now so little
I've trusted you so well
just put under your wicked spell
you cast it upon me
so sweet so fast
making me forget about my painful past
i run my fingers over the scars
feeling the indentions on the smooth skin
the pale milky skin
i bite my lip until it bleeds
hot hot blood
spot spot of blood
dripping down my shirt
how could you?
why did you?
i rush to the bathroom and vomit
up comes the emotion
up comes the hatred
hatred, my new found glory
the only thing to hold against you
just for now I assume
before I get the total truth
I dig past what you’ve created
Picking at the mask…or is it…
I wonder if you are real or just a figment of my imagination
Planted there like a catalyst bomb
Speeding my recovery downhill
I have not yet healed
If you have not yet noticed
My heart is still a litte tender
Touchy here and touchy there
It hurts…but I don’t think you really give a sh.it
Hot hot blood
A lot a lot of blood
Lets let it pour
And this time no holding back