What I'm hiding

Why is it that I'm sick inside
so nervous to live my life?
Instead of partying and laughing like normal
I find myself stashing my pills and knife

It's not like I always use them
sometimes they cross my mind
And I'm not afraid of pain
But I fear the loss of time

Sometimes it would seem easier
to leave this place I hate
But one day I'll die naturally
So my family can call it "fate"

But for now I will smile
I'll laugh when they do
And when I'm truly happy,
I'll stop doing the things I don't want to do