I don't understand

I don't understand what I'm doing,
I don't understand why I'm here,
I don't know what I'm afraid of,
Or why I'm living in fear.

I don't understand what you're saying,
I don't understand what you mean,
I don't know why I can't start over,
Just wipe the whole slate clean.

I don't understand why it all happens,
Why everyone goes through such pain,
I don't know if I trust in God,
Because he just lets it happen again and again.

I don't understand why you all speak to me,
Why you're all so nice,
Because as soon as I turn my back you talk,
No longer sugar and spice.

I don't understand where I am,
On Earth, in Heaven, in Hell,
But none of you can see it,
Intoxicated by nature's sweet spell.

I don't understand why I'm standing here,
With these blessed pills in hand,
This isn't where I'm meant to be,
This isn't as it was planned.

I don't understand why I'm still here,
I don't know what I'm supposed to do,
All I know is that none of it makes sense
And I just want to tell it all to you.

I don't know why you're here,
I don't know why you've stood beside me so long,
I just know that when it all comes down each time,
I pray that when I come back you won't be gone...

© copyright of Holly Nia Goodson