If Only I Could Cry

So I was sitting outside the funeral home last January trying to open a snicker bar with my chapped hands. It was one of those chafingly cold days when the sun is high, and I'm just aching for it to come down and warm me up, but the wind opposed it.
I was sobbing slightly as I watched the leaves breeze away from me in tiny swirls. Actually, a more accurate description would be that I was choking on my sobs and saw the leaves through a thin haze of tears, which I wiped away.
It was my mother's funeral. I was alone outside seeking solace from my snickers. Nobody would know if I cried, Yet, I still couldn't do it. And inside the funeral home??? Forget it, couldn't happen. I was worried people would think I didn't even care for her since I was shedding about as many tears as she was. But oh man, I wanted to. I wanted to pour out all my sadness and anger. Just let go, just let it wash away. It hurt so much.
She was sick and got sicker. I watched as she weakened and shrunk until she wasn't even a whisper of the woman she once was. I wanted to do something to make it all better, but I couldn't
I remember walking to visit her, bracing myself for the inevitable pain of the visit. My mom would enthusiastically say, "Look who's here!!!" I'd approach her wheelchair, push out a smile, swallow the lump in my throat, and forcefully blink back my tears.
Then I would shout, in an equally forced voice, "Hey, mom, how's it goin???" It was a shame that this wonderful woman reduced to such a pitiful state. And there I stood, like some actor from a bad school play, a goof grin plastered on my face. All I really wanted was to burst into tears.
If only I could cry. I want to cry the way breath is exhaled. Pushed out in one big, flushing gust! I feel unreal when I don't cry in a sad situation.
Crying should be as easy as laughing or smiling. Is it a normal expression of strong emotions??? That is what upsets me the most. I consider myself to be an open and expressive person. It just scares me when I can't get my body to do something so vital to the process of clearing my soul... crying!