I went away

I went away.
there was more i knew i needed to explore
so i went far.
i found a life I started on my own and it was hard.
but today i feel the wheels smack to the runway
I am home.

I went away.
i found first love and gave him all I had
he was my first and I was his
and we loved so purely.
we knew nothing but we thought we knew it all
just to learn some time along the way
we'd taught each other all that mattered.

He broke my heart a million times,
and it dawns on me
that I couldn't be,
a Woman in the true sense of the word
with an intact heart.
So i smiled and walked away.
So far away.

I went away.
I forgot who i was and what i stood for.
i tried and faked.
just like the awkward adolescent
i remembered knowing, but no longer knew
how to act or what to feel.
I tried on a few, but nothing fit.
then i found myself again,
i smiles with true friends,
in confidence and sarcasm

i went so far away.

And I got an education.
i also went to school.
i know which will serve me better.
I got robbed for the first time.
and spent tearful nights listening to every creak and groan
of this old home.
I carefully locked each door.
I learned to fear.

I learned resentment.
I delivered meals to impoverished kids
who told me it tasted like shit.
And i looked at them and didn't say a word.
but i learned.

I learned to doubt.
the good in others.
their motivations.
to question their sincerity.
i learned to doubt myself.
can i make this?
am i smart enough? good enough?
am I enough?

then i learned to answer.

I went away.
to a busy, fast suburbia.
of competitive preschools
and heated town meetings.
I saw true need and true excess.
And learned the frustration when space and solitude are unavailable.
I learned to love twice over
the rolling hills of trees
and bubbling streams
night skies so dark that stars seem to orbit stars which orbit stars.
the cold clean air that radiates
from an underground spring
in a dark rocky cove

leaves from the years
serve to noble a purpose
to be raked
as though they were only a nuisance.

I went away
and if i hadn't gone, i always would have wondered.
for bravery in the face of ignorance is not bravery.
optimism from within the pampered cocoon of innocence is not admirable.
so we float gently downward.
breathing stops for the moment the wheels hit the runway.
I pick up my suitcase.
and walk with a smirk
because i know I am strong.
it's been a long way home.