I dont know anymore

You think that I am confidant,
When really I am shy,
My past is a secret,
That I hold as one big lie.

I dont want all the sorrow,
I hate all the hugs,
All I want in my own heart,
Is to know, that I am loved.

I used to cry myself to sleep,
Cut my arms with a knife,
I was only 14 years old,
And I hated my own life.

Still not much has changed,
And I dont know why im here,
I want my death to be close,
I wish the heavens lived near.

Iv taken enough already,
My head is always aching,
Im tired of my stuck on smile,
That I am always faking.

So im sorry if im distant,
And move away sometimes,
Its hard to get to close,
When all Ive know is hard times.

The tears right now are falling,
There half way down my cheek,
Lets just hope I hold on,
For the rest of this week.