Its so unfair that someone who never did any harm to anyone could be gone in a blink of an eye. I know people are going to say I know what you're going through but honestly not even I can begin to fathom the pain that seems to keep growing with every waking moment. I'm a melting pot of pure and utter desolation and pain and depression. Its only.... I cant even describe how I feel in writing and that has never happened before. Normally writing helps me to relieve pain and depression, but I think that the pain is so immense right now that its not even helping. I wish I could just forget... if only for awhile. To not remember would be a godsend. I have never experienced this amount of depression and sadness and just plain hurt before in my entire life. Not even when Isaac and I broke up after 2 1/2 years. My heart has been broken before, but not like this. This time there is NO chance of repair. My heart feels as if it has been torn from my body to be trampled on the dirt and germ ridden ground then to be rescued, but heaved into a blender after someone has hit puree.
How does someone heal from this type of pain? And what makes it worse that bastard that hit her car is dead too. He wont even suffer for what he did! He escaped this life not even knowing he had killed the best person Ive ever known and loved. If there is a God then why the hell did you deem it necessary to take someone so near to my heart? I thought God was supposed to be merciful. What bullshit! No self-respecting being would take someone like that. And what pains me even more is that I wont even get to lie flowers on her grave. not personally anyway. Her parents are shipping her body back over to Germany to be buried in the family crypt. I don't have any pictures of her either. We had always joked about the fact of us looking so alike why should we take pictures. She always said if I wanted a picture of both of us to take a 2 pictures of myself and paste them together because we were almost identical. I had just laughed because I knew it was true. But if thats the case then how am I supposed to look in the mirror without seeing her face staring back at me? How am I supposed to laugh when are voices sounded so alike? I miss you so much Katy Ophelia Smith.
Why did you have to leave me so alone and cold? I feel as if I'm already dead except that I'm still breathing and you're not. I wish I was dead at least that way we would be together again. laughing and playing pranks on unsuspecting fools. I hope you found some type of peace in the next life. Hopefully it isn't as I think. That there is nothing after this life just pure and total oblivion and bliss. If you can see me now then you know how much pain I'm actually in. I wish there was someone who could just take this all away.
