I smiled, and I learned to pretend....

I don't have very many childhood memories
But the ones I do have, aren't happy

I remember being scared at a very young age
Being lost and alone

I remember being sad
So upset that all I could do was cry

But I don't remember ever being happy

I don't know if there are documented cases of depression at such an early age
But I am convinced that I was a depressed little girl
Undiagnosed until I was 15, but I'm sure it started as early as 5

I was always sad
I didn't want to wake up in the mornings
I didn't want to go to school
I remember, literally, crying over spilled milk at school
And the awful, hollow ache in my chest, as I tried so hard to hold in the tears so they wouldn't spill over in front of my classmates

The many bathroom breaks so that I could go cry all alone in a stall

The funny excuses and explanations of why my eyes were always tearing and watering

I couldn't eat
I came home every day and yelled at my mom for sending me too much food
So every day she sent a little bit less
Until I was only taking a few carrot sticks, a couple crackers and a junior juice
And still, I couldn't finish it all

I was so tired of being the one with no friends
The one who would rather spend recess in the corner alone
Curled up in a ball, playing with the people in my head

I learned my lesson fast
No one likes that child
So I used the summer between 1st and 2nd grades to practice

And when I came back in the fall
I told my "friends" that they'd have to wait until school ended
I had to play with the "real" people during the day

I came into my classroom on the first day of school, a brand new girl
Faking perfection, I had so much potential

I took a deep breath
Put all my Kleenex in the garbage can
And walked inside

I smiled
I made friends
And I learned to pretend