Death

Have you ever actually expierienced death?
have you ever seen someone die?
have u ever had that one person be your only mother?

the day she died keeps replaying in my head.
its like i have a video recorder in my mind.
i can remeber what happened exactly that morning ,afternoon,and evening
it doesnt feel real i keep thinking it was a dream.

i mean to come home after a awsome day at the movies and mall with ur frineds,
to find your mom twitching and thinking aww shes ok its nothing new. then to find out not even like 15 minutes later shes dead. to see her in her chair stiff not breatheing. to be on the phone with 911 to see the ambulance take her away. does anyone know how much pain that causes. does anyone realize how much of a loss they will have until it happens..i mean my mother irritated me to my last limb and drove me over the edge many times. and i thought im not gonna feel sorry when she dies. you know what i did as soon as i saw her body and i knew she was dead i cried and i knew i was wrong all those times i said i wouldnt cry. i came to realize i actually loved her deep inside me but i wouldnt show it. and to think i didnt believe her the last time she said i love you. i told her yeah right. i never got the chance to say i love you. as soon as i came home i said happy mothers day and then yeah..i never thought it would hurt this bad...i never thought it\'d do this to me. i rember before 7th grade i never thought id see my mom die then she got sicker and sicker and i was warned that she wasnt going to live much longer and sure enough on may 14th 2006 she passed away. it hurt so much. my insides twisted so bad..even now when i walk into the living room i can relive it i can almost see her body dead in her chair. nothing will be the same again never. im only 14 and expierenced something as deep as this ,im 14 and have already dealt with what alot of 30 year olds deal with. how did i do it..how did i manage it..how am i ever going to beable to live like i was again..reliving every moment of may 14th reliving every secound my dad did cpr..reliving every word the 911 operater said...reliving everyword the paramedics said...reliving the sight of my uncles and grandma crying..seeing my dad be as strong as he was...my frineds say dont worry itll take time. how much time will it take...why do i get all this attention its so annoying. will all this ever end will any of this pain go away?..i understand the first year or more will be hard i understand itll be hard for awhile. so why do i still have all these questions why is my mind still replaying the death of her? ehh i guess this explains alot of what im feeling so yeah.