Dont understand..

You may not notice but all I do is cry. You may think that I'm happy because I keep the pain inside. I've done everything to make your lives better even if it made mine worse. I used to be able to handle all the pain until my only release system was finally take away. I've tried to smile, I've tried to have fun, I've tried to forget it by saying whats done is done, I tried something new to relieve me of the pain but something had just kept me from cutting all the way. The guy I love is such a jerk sometimes, not realizing what he says to me actually does hurt. You guys teamed up on me saying I'd never understand so you decide not to tell. Heres a news flash, you'll never know what I've gone through. You've never had to realize your only dreams could not come true, no my dream wasnt stupid, like dating some hott guy, whats the point in that they always end in lies. My dream wasnt something grand, you might not think of it as fun but ever since I was little all I wanted to do was run. I couldnt count on boys and lies or stupid promises. I couldnt even count on all the things my best friends say. You knew I liked somebody and you had to fall in love with him too, I didnt want to tell you how I felt so I just hid the pain away. You try to make me happy more but all you do is make me cry. Something happend with a friend of mine seemed so long ago, told her to talk to him for me but all I did was sit there and cry. These things I've written down are my most inner deepest thoughts and you dont realize how I feel and you dont have to take my shots. So if anyone should be saying that you dont understand it should be me saying it to you guys even though I cant.