K so I havent gotten the chills from a poem in a while so hats off to you my dear.
5.5

thanks so much for taking time to rrc on my poem :)

take it easy and keep writing

I think we all have times where we wish we were dead, just to ease the pain. excellent write 5/5

Oh my gosh...! this was suspensful and full of hatred and anger! I loved it! you used excellent vocabulary and the words were just amazing nice job!

Good poem, really dark, i like it, i laso love the structure, well done 5/5

Haha I loved this! It's so funny because I just finished reading "Peaceful" and this is a complete 180. I think your knack is for dark poems because this is amazing, in my opinion. Sharp imagery and absolutely brutal. Excellent! 5/5

~jas~

Wow... this is great. i love it, i really do ! it has a lot of emotion in it. the flow was great! 5/5

Wow this is a good poem indeed. i love the "paradoxes" in this poem like : my screams go unheard and these questions go unanswered. I simply love it !
5/5

I'm speachless, wordless, and breathless hun. 5/5

I liked this poem i think the emotions were quite strong running throughout it they seemed to flow very well. Dark, sad and emotional well done 5/5 ~mel

The pain you feel shouts off the screen. This poem is so full of heartache that the reader has no choice but to ask why.

Very good. Keep writing.

--Sher

Wow.
Sad, but great.
I love the third stanza. :]
Keep it up, sweetheart.

Heeeeeey, nice poem
awesome poem
its as if you could like, see it through your mind if you closed your eyes and read it and stuff, really good poem
keep writing =P

Ahhh. I'm such an idiot. I was about to bash how you wrote it because I thought you'd completely ignored the form, but alas, I've been writing Trijan Refrains a lot lately and had that burned in my mind [the form.] How embarassing. Lmao.

Anyways. The bad things first.
It's cliche. =/ Kind of. It's not half as [not even three fourths] bad as these random poets on here wanting to kill themselves, but you've written better. Nonetheless, I did like it.

Now.
One: First stanza, fourth line:
"Tonight I am setting my soul free."
This also has to be 10-12 syllables. Your's is 9. It won't be hard to fix at all. Nothing big. =]

Two: "I'm lying here alone getting latherd."
This is a very vague statement.. And sounds kind of awkward. =/

Three: "As the knife goes in deeper and deeper, I pout."
I would say, "I doubt" rather than pout, but that's only me. This line is too awkward. If it were me.. I'd redo this entire line with something like: "As the knife goes deeper I can't live without." Maybe? Eh.

Four: Third stanza, second line.
"These questions go unanswered." That's seven syllables. You need 10-12.My suggestion? Describe the questions... These wondering questions...ect

Five: Third stanza, third line.
"I am not the girl you love or want, I breakout."
Why do you 'breakout?' What's the meaning to this line? It seems you were just running out of rhymes..=/

Six: Thrid stanza, fourth line.
"The knife plus me equals butchered."
Oh. Cliche. Eck.
And, not enough syllables it has eight you need 10-12.

Seven: The ending stanza was probably the best. No mistakes, forced rhyme, though, at the second line, but otherwise, good.

Eight: I know it sounds like I was tearing this apart, but honestly, I can't write a Parquette to save my life. I've attempted three and STILL haven't gotten it write. It's very frustrating. I'm assuming you have this in the contest, so I was pointing out all the mistakes so you could fix them and not get disqualified. =] Please, don't take it personally.

And finally, I personally did not like the poem because the rhyming seemed forced and the over-all message was cliche, but yet I know you can write. Yeah.

And wow. Really sorry for the randomly long comment... I hope it's ok. =/

xTheEcstasyOfSuicidex

Beautifull dark chilling....FeEl LiKe GiViNg Up

Very dark and gory babe. I loved it though. Nicely done.

A very graphic poem, over all nicely written, and I loved that you decided to write a different form of poetry than the usual standard, those can be really hard but hands down you did a very nice job. It was kind of hard to understand in a few places.... like

As the knife goes deeper I can't live without.
^^can't live without what??

Awesome job on these kinds of poems. I look foreward to reading more from you

Comment #5

Having attempted a parquette or two in my time i know how difficult it is when you have a fixed syllable count.
There are just a few lines such as

"These questions go unanswered"

...that need to have some more syllables added, but in spite of it, i think it's excellent.
You should have a good chance in the contest
5/5
*Gem*

This, my dear, is excellently written.
You did a great job with a style that I find rather hard.
The imagery creates vivid pictures and the flow is good throughout.
The vocabulary is a treat and I thought the first stanza was a great opener and from then on it just kept getting better and better.
Wonderful work!

Got so speechless it was shocking and powerful and forcing words
Flow keeps you going and the topic was so interesting
Keep it up
Take care
LAURA

Again .. good job.. good choices of words and powerfully spoken good job again 5/5