The price of peace

In peace I find pain,
and in pain i find an emptiness,
a hollowness that carves me from the inside out,
an all consuming thing that slowly consumes who I am.
I must wonder what it would be like,
To never have to deal with the pain I inflict on those around me,
To never have to see or feel the pain of my tortured soul,
To never have to feel this all consuming guilt i feel now.

I wonder what it would be like to allow this emptiness to sweep into me...
Stealing away my humanity,
If I gave away my humanity,
Would I be loved any more?
Would I even sound the same?
I do not think I could ever destroy who I am,
For I exhault in being me,
In the joy and ecstasy,
And the pain and sorrow of life.
But to be bereft of all the burdens on my heavy shoulders...
Would that not be the greatest respite?
Would that not be True peace?
But at what price will this inner peace come at?
Will i have to give up my individuality?
Will i have to destroy the very essence of who i am?

If i ever truly toss aside who and what I am...
Then the man you shall see before you will be nothing but a poor hollowed out shell of his former self.
He will simply stare into the distance as though there is something just over the horizon that he is searching for.
He is searching for himself and even in this unthinking state,
He yearns to be himself once more.