Inside my Mind

I lay on the cold, stone floor. Eagle spread. Staring at the chipping stained ceiling. The room is bare. Nothing remarkable about anything in it. Broken glass scatters the floor. I think I'm laying on some. The walls scream. 'Death... Despair... Disaster' they say. Blood everywhere. Pain, Hurt, Sorrow, RAGE. Never knowing what feeling will come next. Never knowing what to expect. There are no doors or windows. No emergency exits. No way out.
Over in the corner, there is a chair. It faces the wall. In it sits a skeleton. The skeleton of who I used to be. Who I pretend to be. She is sitting there, preserved in her perfection. Smiling the way she always did. Mid-laugh. Cheeks rosy with mirth. Head filled with thoughts of how great her life is and how lucky she is to have such great friends. She wears her heart on her sleeve. But not really. It is just hidden so well that she can't even find it. Then I came. And she died. In her happy ignorance, she knows no more.
I pretend I'm her, every day. I fake happiness. I fake these feelings I've never felt. I've never felt pain. Not really. Maybe in the deep, dark, dank recesses of my mind. But not really. But I've also never felt happiness. That girl, sitting in the chair, maybe she has. I wouldn't know. I'm not her. I wish I was though. I wish I could fit back in that skin. But I never will again. She is empty and hollow inside where I used to be stored.
So safe and sound. Ignorance is bliss. I didn't have to worry about anything. I drifted along. I floated among the clouds. They were beauteous shades of purple, pink, and the deepest shades of blue. Gorgeous. Like the sea. I glide between the clouds. Music plays. Soft and gentle. It seems to ride on the gentle breeze that gently caresses my skin. Slow dancing with my heart, is a melody from the angels.
I lift my head. Try to grasp that feeling. But it shatters and I'm back. Lying on the floor. New memories pop into my mind. He holds me when I'm scared. Tells me that everything will work out for the best. I can't believe he's gone. I want him to hold me when I cry and tell me it's alright. But, he's gone. And he wonâ??t come back. I want to believe anything else. I want to deny. I want to hide back in my bliss. But it's gone. He's gone. And he's never coming back.
Ever since I was a little girl, I'd stare out the window at night. I'd hope, wish, PRAY that he'd come back. I'd tell myself that no matter what, he loved me. He would come back to me. He, alone, cared enough to come back. I believed him. I believed in him. And see what it got me? A bunch of cuts, scrapes, denial and misery.
Staring at the ceiling. The molding is peeling off. Gone in some places. The panels chipped, a few missing. The walls crack and the room begins to shake. I stand. Blood dripping from various cuts that I can't see. I look at the walls and they begin to still. I use my strength to repair the walls. I make them stronger than before. No doors. No windows. That's the way I like it. If I don't let anyone in, no one can hurt me like he did. No one can break through these walls. They are strong. I will stay strong. That's who I am. I lay down on the floor and stare once more...

I'll always miss you.