Falling off of cloud nine

by claire   May 30, 2007


Only this morning
My throat held pure joy
The laughter danced out
My smile was my toy

Turns out
My happiness was false
Built upon a puff of smoke
Makes me feel so small

But still I can grow back
A little smarter than before
I've learned a cruel lesson
Guess I won't make assumtions
anymore

***is that better? personally i think it is, but i think it needs a bit more help.

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Latest Comments

  • 16 years ago

    by EmOToMbOy13

    Wow..i like it

  • 16 years ago

    by xTheEcstasyOfSuicidex

    My smile was my toy
    [[Alakjgoaisjdoasmcsa. I love that line! I don't know how to express my joy for that line! alkgjalsjfcl]] [[Puts it as her msn name.]] Yes!

    Anyways.
    I'm composed.
    I love, love, love the first two stanzas. But. The ending just....no. I didn't feel it as much as I did the other two.
    And. I really think you would do well doing form poetry and rhyming. Your description is very good and you're not cliche at all, so, try it. If you want more information, feel free to PM me.

    Nicely done, thank you for sharing.

    xTheEcstasyofSuicidex 5.5

  • 16 years ago

    by Debbie

    "I won't make [assumtions]" - assumptions.

    I think that it needs more coherent details. It seems to be a mere portion of an even greater poem, so I'd suggest you to expand it. On the other hand, it certainly never failed to give a sense of mild interest in me. I quite liked it. Nice work. 5/5

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