Time Flies~Manda

Wow very powerful
you did a wondeful job
i loved it
and the emotion was fab!

I think this is amazing! 5/5

I reli like this peice even tho people say it need re-doing i think its fine as its ur own work and no one can really re-write it for u as it comes from ur heart :) like it xx

Oh. Well, Miss Letty has seemingly covered each and every point to be taken into consideration. If you go for her advice, I believe you'll [re]create an even better piece.

When you asked for this poem to be commented on and rated I am sure that you wanted the honest truth. I will start with the first stanza:

Oh wow its been so long
Its so weird whatever went wrong
Been a couple months now
We were so close i don't know how

Oh wow! Its been so long,

(this is how you should have written the first line).

It's so weird, whatever went wrong?

Been a couple of months now,

We were so close I don't know how.

Now that last line needs to be written differently. It shouldn't have been broken off like that because it messes up the flow of the poem and takes away from the meaning of it.

Before I go on with my critique of your poem, I would suggest now that you capitalize all single I's (I). I also suggest that you use punctuation because when you don''t it makes the poem hard to follow.

The second stanza:

I still sit up and night and think about you
Think about all we have gone through
I saw you the other day
I've seen you happier I can say

My rewrite;

I still sit up at night and think of you,
About all that we've gone through.
I saw how you were the other day,
I've seen you happier, that I can say.

You don't have to write it exactly like that, but I think you get the point that I am trying to make. You need to choose wording that keeps to the rhythm and flow of the poem. You also must remember to use proper grammar and punctuation. Don't get me wrong, I have the same problems sometimes and I don't see them until someone points them out to me. I hope that you will except my critique the way that I have learned to except others.

Stanza three:

Who's that girl you're with
Wow looks like you got your wish
Best frien I see
Ya thats what she has to be

My rewrite:

Who's that girl you're with?
It looks like you've got wish.
Best friend I see, ( I would use another line)
Yeah, that's what she has to be.

Again with the punctuation and grammar. I would also look into rephrasing this stanza so that it can be easier to follow.

Irreplaceable I didn't think you could
But after I hurt you I figured you would

I really couldn't follow this at all. You shouldn't have used the word irreplaceable it doesn't make sense. you should have maybe said something like:

Replace me, I didn't think you could.
But after I hurt you, I figured you would.

The next two lines:

I was thinking about you lysse hard last night
And then I remembered it was just a fight

I really don't know what you were trying to say here. I really suggest that you strongly think about rephrasing these two lines because I don't get it.

For the last three stanza's I suggest the same thing:

I had a dream last night, sat there and cried
Now here I am alone so I hide
I don't want to go back to what i use to be
But each time I look in the mirror that's what I see

Sat on the floor last night with that blade
Looked in the mirror and saw my life fade
I woke up in the middle of the night and I wasn't dead
Hope this sorry is in your head

Wow i saw that girl the other day
I saw her in the mirror and had lots to say

Punctuation, rephrasing, and grammar.

I hope that this has helped. I really couldn't get into this poem because of all the errors, grammar, and mistakes. But since this is your hard work I never like to down rate anyone so I give you a 4. I hope that this doesn't upset you. When you read my work I want some honest critique also. If you want me to read anything else Pm me, or leave it in my comments box. Keep trying hun. That's how most of us start out. I am not all that great myself, but that is why I joined so that I could get better.

Letty