Dear boy,

Hi.
I thought about you a lot today.
not on purpose.
I wish I had a brain that thought what I wanted it to,
but I guess my mind has a mind of it's own.
did you have a good day?
I hope so.
I had a pretty good day.
I'm meeting more people...

so, I'm trying this new thing,
self-control?
it gets kind of tricky but I think I might get the hang of it soon.
I know you have a problem with that sometimes,
but
I understand.
I do, too.

I'm trying to hold back more.
I think I speak my mind too much.
I think I hold my tongue too much too.
balancing can be a hard thing to do.

so,
I kind of miss you.
a lot, I guess.
I keep getting this
achey
longing
displaced
sort of feeling.
I'm trying not to,
for what it's worth.
I guess I don't want to admit vulnerability.
I feel sort of vulnerable lately.

and,
quite frankly,
I just want to cuddle.
I want to fall asleep
next to you
and wake up
to the smell of your skin.
I know that
this can't happen
(for awhile, at least)
but
I really wish it could.

I just really have this urge to hug you, though.
and
I have lots of things that I really need to say,
but
you know,
that self-control thing I'm working on.
anyway.
I guess I shouldn't be writing this,
but I tend to write my thoughts down when they fill up my head and threat pouring out.
I guess I am pouring them out.
oh well.

I hope that I haven't bothered you or confused you or...
I have a lot more that I could say
but
don't really want to
now.
I don't want things to be awkward
or
anything
so
just ignore me.
or something.

I wish I could get in your head
but at the same time I think I'd be scared by what's in there.
distance is safer, maybe.
maybe not.
I hope that you're alright, though.
and that you had a good day
and smiled a lot
because you were happy,
not just because you felt like smiling.
to appease
or--

sometimes I try to keep smiling so others stay quiet.
and won't ask.
smiling is my defense, I suppose.
but.
like I said
ignore this
please.
don't worry about me.

I'm fine,
and
I'm smiling.