There isn't a way to describe such emptiness. But If I had to define it, I'd say it's this feeling when you get up, and you're not hungry. You're mild, you don't really care, and you go up into your pantry, and nothing really satisfies you. You go a whole day without eating, you're stomach reacts but you don't feel a thing, then it repeats. It's the circle that never ends, you want something but what's there isn't really good enough, isn't your preference. You'll eat it when forced, but you won't enjoy it. Everything gets calm and mellow, you don't really think, you reform into this paralyzed human stature covered with cement and placed for the public to view, and only speak when spoken to; and elaborate when you feel is necessary. You start to not care. Everything you've wanted, you don't want anymore. Your thirst for something gets pushed aside, untreated. You're parched, your throat dries, and your mind filters. You have nothing important to say, and even in the slight off chance that you do, your throats to clogged to whip it out.
You're suffocating.
Or in another analogy, you could say you're hungry. You're not passing out from starvation, but you're hungry. But when you get to the kitchen, there's nothing there. Nothing edible, nothing fresh, and nothing real, none of these things satisfy you but you eat them anyway. You're eating, and eating, but what you absorb falls straight through that hole you've got, the emptiness. So you're going to keep on trying, and trying till you get there. But somewhere along all the hunger searching, you come to ask yourself what's happening, you get confused. You blame, you look down upon yourself with shame, your throat and mind numbs.
You're suffocating.
People like to remind you, that things could get worse, it's a con. How you should be grateful of what you have, and pay no mind to what you've lost. That people have it harder, and that you look down upon my situation with predictable teenage angst.
But for me, this is my worst. The fact of the matter is, In my tolerance in my life, and my situation, this is pretty damn close to a natural disaster. I'm never going to know how it feels to live in Africa, where parents watch their newborns die and blame themselves because they couldn't provide enough food. They pray to a God, they ask why they've been sent to such horrific turmoil, and ask why it's not being treated. Why nobody cares.
In their life style, that isn't even close to their worst.
But in mine, this; this is my worst.
They have higher tolerance then other people. They've been there. Hell If they came to my country, they'd be happy every second to every minute to every hour of the day, they'd smile with salvation and they'd cry for generosity. They wouldn't sweat the small stuff, they wouldn't take things for granted, and they wouldn't let things and people get in their way. Anything of short 4th is highly celebrated upon.
But if you put me in a new life style, throw in one really good friend, a loving a caring father. A hooker as a mother, and a baby out of wed lock. I'd probably be the happiest kid alive to. It sounds weird.
It sounds slightly awkward, and confusing.
Out of all the examples I could've put, why this one?
Because, the worst for some people. Can be a blessing to others, and a blessing to others can seem horrifying for some people.
It's all about tolerance, Standards, and personality.
And I guess, you don't really know what you have. Till you've been there on the other side of the track.
You're not going to be grateful until something like this happens.
You're not going to laugh until somethings funny, and you're not going to care when you don't give a shit.
You're probably asking yourself, what does she know right? What makes her think she knows all this shit? Her friends left her, no big deal. Get over it. It's not that simple
Her dad left for another woman, it happens to everybody. Everybody never used to be me
She's not a beauty queen, neither is half of the population. That doesn't stop me from caring.
What gives her ego the kick? What makes her think she can turn around and tell us the dos and donuts?
You want to know why?
I know,
Because I've been there,
I am here.
And I deserve to tell my story, like any one of you.
