It's Out of My Hands...

I think about it often
It never really goes
It bothers me deep inside
But it never really shows

I stare down at my arms a lot
And wish the marks weren't there
My hands trace them over sometimes
And I wish I didn't care

Sometimes I want to do it again
To touch the icy steel
To have the numbness ripped away
Just so I can feel

Mostly though I regret it
For the people I could have hurt
If I'd really gone all the way
And was set into the dirt

The pain is hard to ignore
But I keep going every day
I don't know why I do it
I don't know why I stay

Sometimes I still relapse
And lose myself completely
Sometimes I draw more blood
But its ever so discretely

I'm not allowed to take pills
My parents say I'm fine
They won't pay for a therapist
Though my life in on the line

So I go on in my numbness
I go on in my hate
I go on in my life
And I leave it up to fate...