Remember, the only person left smiling after all the cards are dealt is the joker

I sold my soul for a doughnut once... no wait... that wasn't me... that was a Simpson's episode. My mistake

People who talk rubbish are generally thinking out loud

When people tell you that it could be worse, they're right. What they don't tell you is that you will soon find out how much worse it could be

Life... wish I had one...

If happiness is flying a kite, then I'm the kind of person who ends up stood on a hilltop, in a thunderstorm, with a key tied to the kite, wearing a suit of armour, shouting "All gods are _barstools_"

People ask me why I am depressed. I ask them why they aren't

If you live, you will die. If you die, you may not have lived

I feel like I've been ran over by a metaphorical truck

You know that feeling where everything goes your way? I don't