Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.

Well... you're the most depressing thing since the Crucifixion...

(I actually say this to people)

I am a virgin... I have not made love to a man, a woman, or a chicken.

(This actually occurred with my friend's uncle...)

Officer : Sir, can you please step out of the car.
Man : Officer, can you please step INTO this car?

That was the meanest thing I've ever heard... And I'm the guy that said it.

Have you ever had Fruity Pebbles? Once that stuff hits milk, it turns into a narcotic!

Actually, they're sea lions; the difference is they have ear flaps... I wish I had ear flaps.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

This is not Burger King, you cannot have it your way. This is MacDonalds, get off the rag and put on a smile.

My friend Brandon about the automotive teacher...