Logic cannot be defined without first deducing the meanings and purposes to life.

"That was so terrible, I think it gave me cancer."

- Calculon, Futurama

PS: That is how part of the alphabet would look if Q and R got married, moved away, developed marital problems, became drug addicts, and then killed themselves...

This is not Burger King, you cannot have it your way. This is MacDonalds, get off the rag and put on a smile.

My friend Brandon about the automotive teacher...

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Actually, they're sea lions; the difference is they have ear flaps... I wish I had ear flaps.

Have you ever had Fruity Pebbles? Once that stuff hits milk, it turns into a narcotic!

That was the meanest thing I've ever heard... And I'm the guy that said it.

(This actually occurred with my friend's uncle...)

Officer : Sir, can you please step out of the car.
Man : Officer, can you please step INTO this car?