People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

When I'm not in my right mind my left mind gets pretty crowded.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too litteral for me.

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.