Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

When I'm not in my right mind my left mind gets pretty crowded.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too litteral for me.

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the Hell's really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?

I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube

I saw a dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him "Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphasis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over."

That'd be funny if you were a drummer, and you grabbed two magical wands instead of drumsticks. You're pounding out the beat "1-2-3-4 Oh s***, my Bass Player's now a can of soup... Sorry Rick, I mean Cream of Mushroom!