Are you free tomorrow? No, I'm fcuking expensive.

Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you.

I don't understand why I let myself stay with you, after all the lies and all the tears cried. What makes you so fcuking special?

I love you... don't ever think that I don't, and don't ever forget that I do.

Let me ruin your life, let me break your heart, then I'll ask you why we can't be friends. Let me rip your world into little pieces, let me destroy who you thought you were, and then I'll ask if we can be friends.

I can see you dancing in that stranger's arms. My world hasn't stopped turning but it's falling apart. Every breath that I take is a little closer to sane. Yeah, they say that time is a healer but it's still a long, long ways away.

I don't blame you for hiding your Facebook page...if I had told as many lies and was as ugly as you, I would hide mine too...

Hey autocorrect, stop messing with my damn curse words. You mother forklift.

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"