I just high-fived a Jedi. Ok, it was an Ewok. Or a midget. I just slapped a kid in the head. Whatever. I wish I knew a Jedi.

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java. He hates me.

The problem with the world today is that the smart people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.

My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.

Twitter = Unfollow. Facebook = Unfriend. You = Unforgettable.

At Dairy Queen: Me: Medium Oreo Blizzard please. DQ: You wanna spoon? Me: Sure, when do you get off?

My new girlfriend is taking forever to exist.

LOL @ the dude buying condoms and getting his card declined. He just got cokc blocked by Visa!

Whenever I take a girl out on a first date I always shake her hand with my left hand because I don't want her to meet her competition just yet.

You had me at 0 mutual friends.