"I wasn't that drunk!" Dude, you held up my cat in the air and started singing The Circle of Life!

Hey girl, are you calculus? Because you're hard to understand and seem pretty useless in the greater scope of my life goals.

Hostage or not, sometimes it's just nice to be held.

Dude, not everyone getting gas at the Chevron needs to hear 10 minutes of Lil' Boosie at 85 decibels with your windows down while you're inside waiting in line to buy your Red Bull and Slim Jim.

"I wasn't that drunk" Dude you threw a sock at a midget and screamed "Dobby be free!"

My ex just called me and wants to meet up she said , "We should hang out to and just go crazy " Me - " I can't , and besides you already have a headstart " ... She hung up on me

George W. Bush named The Very Hungry Caterpillar as his favorite childhood book. It was published when he was in his 20s

I'm not telling you how to think, just politely asking you to occasionally perform the activity. :/

I'm not saying you're ugly, I just can't believe that anyone had sex with you on purpose.

Nothing faster than the speed of light? That's a lie. Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from a pic that makes her look fat.