Would you?

The question first then reason for asking it i guess.

question:if you had a secret to tell but it would quite possibly ruin a life when you told, would you?
if your mental and physical well-being and safty depened on you telling, would you?

reason: i'm just now being able to admit this, even to myself but i was molested as a child by my cousin. he has 3 kids, one living with him, and a new girlfriend after his other dumped him. he is getting ready to become a probation officer.

i am remembering everything and nearly having a mental breakdown because of it. i saw him the other day after a few months of nothing and started to tremble instantly and i almost broke down. i'm about ready to fall apart severly without chance of recovery but i do not want to tell and ruin his life becasue i can't handle this... this mess!

any help?

^
I agree. You need to tell the proper authorities about what he did. It isn't a matter of you ruining his life. He has already ruined his life and yours as well. I am really sorry to hear this happen to you and you should find someone you are close to and get some help emotionally, if you need any.

Oh. sorry but to answer you question I would definitely have to tell someone if it was something like you mentioned. They ruined their own lives when they ruin yours. His mistake and he needs to pay for it.

What do you mean that if you told someone this secret it could possibly ruin a life? Do you mean your cousin's? As Jad and Britt said, you're not ruining his life. He did that to himself. One way or the other, his choices have put him on a path that leads to only one outcome. Don't carry that load on your shoulders, it's not your load to carry.

You should tell someone, your family and/or the authorities, about what he did. One, because if he did it once he's likely done it before, has since or will again. By telling someone you can stop him from making someone else, perhaps even his own children, a victim. Two, by keeping it to yourself it can consume you, by the sounds of things you already feel that way emotionally and to an extent physically. If you feel your emotional and physical well-being and safety is at risk, then you need to tell someone. Go to your parents or other guardians, they can help you, and call the authorities or get your family members to, they'll know what to do. You should or your family should also help you to seek professional help, someone you can talk to and who can advise you, if you feel it would benefit you.

I'm sorry to hear what you've gone through and continue to. Just know I know how you feel. I was molested at a young age and didn't remember it until around 6 years ago. To this day I haven't told anyone, aside from my fiance and a close friend. I'd seen that person who molested me every day for a long time after that, at the daycare where I went (because he was my daycare takers grandson) and at school. It didn't bother me then because I was only a little girl and didn't understand what had happened or what he tried to do to me, all I knew was I didn't want him to do that. And being so young I soon put it at the back of my mind, intentionally or not. I haven't seen him since he graduated, probably 8yrs ago, except once almost 5yrs ago at a local swimming pool. When I saw him, much like you said, it stirred something in me. Guilt. Everyone handles these kinds of things differently. For you it's becoming unbearable. For me, at the time I was molested, being so young a lot of things such as how I was affected is hazy. However, I remember the moment I was molested in detail. Now, almost 14 years later, I really don't feel like I've been affected by it, at least not anymore. There's no feelings of hate or anger, sadness or self-pity and no pain. That is not for myself. The only thing I feel is guilt, guilt that I didn't come forward at that time and that I still haven't. What if that person who molested me did it to other children or still does? What if I could have ended it all right then and there? If I could go back, I would come forward either to my daycare takers or my parents. To me, the guilt knowing that I didn't come forward is far worse than if I did come forward.

My question is, what do you think you should do?

I know ishouldn't worry about it ruining his life but he is still family, and i know this sounds so totally wrong and ridiculous and just brainwashed but i do still love him as family and for some reason i dont' blame him for me.
and it would effect his kids too, i love those children so much and if it would hurt them i'm even more... hesitant maybe(?) to say anything.

on the other hand at the same time, he was doing this to my cousin as well. we're the same age and we were so close but she handled this differently and got taken by the state.

and i hate him for that. it's been at least 6-7 years since i've seen her and i miss her so much. i blame him for her but not for me... is that messed up?
and i like to think i'm not such a harsh person but even if it would ruin his life and his kids, i'm sorry to say that i would tell in a heartbeat if only it would bring her back

So, i told my mom about a month ago. she's always liked to think of us as "not the family that just brushes things off" but when she found out i was cutting, she asked me once if i was okay and why i did it and then never again. that was about 4 1/2 years ago.
now that i told her she said the same thing "we're not the family that just brushes things off." yet when my cousin came over the other day she ascted as if nothing was unusual. she hasn't even said anything about it to me or asked if i'm okay or acknowledged it at all. i don't know if she even really cares, she used to. now i just don't know what to do or anything...

How long ago did that happen? I know it's not relevant because you should tell, but if it was 6-7 years ago and you don't know whether or not he still does it I think you should try to move on. Avoid him and when you're ready confront him, but not alone. See if you can find out whether he has changed or not and if he hasn't tell someone else, someone with more authority than your parents<< especially if your mom just ignored that fact.

I don't think you'll ruin his life or his kids life... They can deal with that more than they can deal with rape, which is a possibility since he done it before.

As for your cousin I think you can find her. Ask around, investigate.

I feel so stupid because it was when i was about 6 or seven so actually about 10 years ago. it's just that i suppressed everything and it's just now coming back full force like it was yesterday and i hate it.

It was not your fault... there are people in this world who do bad things, and you were young and didn't know what was happening... Don't worry about the past and think about the present and future. Try fixing what was broken... help prevent it happening again.

I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you about my experience. I was molested by my own brother. Long story cut short, I never told and am still reeling from the effects of it. For all of high school i never had any self-esteem, let alone a real life. It was his fault and I let him continue on not knowing the depression and grief he put me through. My question to you is, can you live without justice? It's too late for me, I've healed and cannot open those scars again but you are yet to be healed.

I just don't know. i'm falling apart but the way i am, i'd always feel guilty. i could be sitting somewhere 10 years from now with kids of my own and suddenly think "he had a family like this too, but not now" and i'd hate myself for that. i hate myself now for being like this. no matter what, i'm going to break it seems. and the only person who could convince me otherwise is no where to be found now.
my countdown to get away starts now with 7 months and 5 days

What do you mean by "get away"?

Get away from this town, this life, this crushing burden. get away from the things i can't stand, from the people who i hurt. i will be 18 and can leave, just get away. i won't have to deal with this crap and pretend all the time

Honestly? I understand your feelings but it's tearing you up from the inside out. When we repress memories and emotions they always come out sooner or later when we least expect it. It doesn't make you weak, doesn't mean anythings wrong with you, it means your human. We're like pressure cookers, we suppress to much for to long and it explodes. Everyone has a point that he could have done it to more then just you and your cousin, he could still be doing it and you have a chance to help anyone else he's done it to.

I know the feeling of counting down the days till you can leave, feeling once you leave you'll be free and won't feel it or have to deal with it anymore but...from what I've had to learn? We carry our burdens within us no matter where we go till we resolve them and fix them. I'd suggest facing this much as it might scare you or make you feel guilty. He made his own choices, as we all do, and karma comes back when we make choices. The children will handle it better if it's taken care of then if they might be dealing with the same thing.

The thing is: who do i go to?

as i said, i told my mother and that got nowhere.

so then who?

If you're still in school then the counselor might be able to help. Do you have an older aunt cousin or trusted family friend that could help? Someone older that could go with you to file with the authorities. It's a case for the law in the end but if you're under 18 it's hard for you to do yourself. The school counselor is a good help, that's what they're there for or possibly the school nurse. If your mother won't help you with it then go to another close family member and tell them you need help.

I've got a last resort person i gues, my uncle. he's the father of my cousin this also happened to. i don't even know how he feels about everything that happened with her but if anyone at all would do something, it'd be him.
on the other hand, if he doesn't believe me or whatever, no one in the family would i'm sure...

Then I'd say give him a try. We never truly know how people react until we trust them enough to give them a chance. If he won't help find someone outside of the family then.