All Cutting/Self Harm Issues - This Thread Only #19

Please keep all cutting/self harm issues to this thread. When it reaches 100 posts, a new thread will be started by a mod.

PnQ Mods

Okay, I found this video of Demi Lovato and I think everyone should see it....Apparently she struggled with cutting and an eating disorder.

Go to youtube and search "Demi Lovato 20/20 interview with Robin Roberts" and then click on the video with the time/length of 7 minutes and 51 seconds.

Struggling.

Today has been hard..tonight is much worse. I dont want to cut and to be honest im not even thinking about cutting..im too low to even care for a release or jolt of reality. I just want to be able to breath, im even thinking of walking out the house and just walk and walk until i cant walk no more..not really caring where i end up..not wantng to go back. I havnt been like this before..nothing is helping - even my list of 43 isnt helping. Really lost right now. :'|

Was better for a few days, but it seems I'm falling back into my depression.

I fall every weekend..i just realised. Sometimes it is soo hard and i think its because all of my family is together and its just too much for me. I hope you have the strength to say "i will make it through THIS day"..ive been trying my hardest.

I'm numb, again. Maybe life would be better without me.

If you really believed that you would not be here

It just ... there's not a day that suicide doesn't enter my mind.

But lately, something has made me super happy, maybe this time the happiness will last. Unlike last time. :/

Im struggling today. Ive been on training corse before i start work which was great but i did a shadow shift yesterday and thought it went well..yes i double checked things but that didnt bother me..it was when i woke today and realised just how much pressure is on me to get things right - other peoples lives are in my hands..and all i could do was think of every single thing i did wrong yeserday on my shadow shift..there was alot. Im no where near ready to work yet - so im goning to call up head office and ask for more training and more shadowing..i just dont feel ready..not just yet.

It's been getting worse lately; the self-harm.
My best friend is telling me I need to get help, because he aunt told her parents that she struggled with self-harm...but my mom would flip. I'd be even more screwed than I am now.
It'd also get even more worse than it is now.

I'm so confused...

Self harm/Self mutilation - is never easy to cope with, people finding out - it is very difficult to come to terms with. Believe me, ive struggled with self harm for many years and i carried all that guilt and confusion alone. I barely spoke to my doctor about it and when i was reffered to a specialist i lied my way out but i needed help and i faced that fact. I went back to the specialist, got help, got help from my doctor and a year later i told my parents and then later the rest of my family that not only was i depressed and on medication but that i was seeing a specialist for self harm. Apparently they already knew that i was self harming but were too scared to say anything incase it pushed me over the edge..and the thoughts i had after that were how could i have been so stupid as to tell them pathetic lies. Things got a little better - knowing i have the love and support from a family i once detested. My friends are there for me when i get the urge and they calm me down and get me to rationalise whatever it is that is making me feel like i need to cut. I wont lie, i still have arguments with my family but most of the time i can control my inner beast.

You need to find the strength within to change your decission about self harm and hiding it. Get yourself the help you crave inside. It wont be easy but it is well worth trying. I am living proof - as are many others that YOU CAN change.

-love panda

Great post Panda, so often we are just too scared and comfortable to help ourselves, it is the hardest part, but once you make it there and put in the work, anything is possible.

Thank you.

I see sooo many people who struggle with it and it is really heartbreaking. The fact they cant see they are truly worth it. Nobody should feel like they dont deserve to be alive. Many people are scared of the aftershock effect..but as long as you believe you can do it and that you have the help from family,friends, neighbours or doctors..you really can change.

I dont hide my scars anymore. Sometimes when im wearing a shortsleeve top i get looks or questions from people. I dont find it difficult anymore, it is something i used to do, i dont do it anymore so i dont feel the need to hide anymore. The fact that i talk about it with others opens there eyes up about the subject. Makes them more away and able to cope if somebody in there life self harms.

I am in the process of getting funding,property and help from a few different organisations to impliment a scheme for depression,self harm and suicide patients. A place that will be welcoming and understanding of others, kind of like rehab but you can leave at the end of the day. I want to help others, because if somebody had of recognised my signs, my symptoms i wouldnt have went as far as i did.

I hope everyone who is still self harming or is struggling with past self harm, that you get some sort of inspiration from this thread to be brave enough to stop yourself. Im always here to talk things over with people, like others as well.

-love Panda

Thank you for this helpful advice...my parents actually know now. They found out by mistake, but I am going to therapy...it hasn't exactly helped, but I shall find out in time.

Good, im glad you are getting help. If you want therapy to work you have to work too. Every day wont be easy but in time it will be manageble. I really hope you stick with it - it turned my life around and i hope it does just that for you too.

-love Panda

Much better lately! Not because of therapy; I've been doing summer band practice and it's good for me...I get to see friends...it makes me happy. (:
But therapy...ugh. The therapist is like "You are mad at [person's name]" and I'm NOT...but I just agree anyways..

Im glad to hear your doing much better, regardless of what theraputic therapies you use.

If you dont agree with your therapist, tell him/her so, explain so that they can understand exactly what you mean. If you think something in particular is behind your self harm then talk about that.

It really will help if you are as honest as possible. But you have to find the right therapist for you. I found two good therapists after i went through two first.

I hope you keep in-control. Good for you for taking the first steps and seeking help. :)

Its a punishment i give myself for not being noticed by her.

Dont you think that is a little harsh. Hurting yourself because another person cant see who you are. Why dont you get yourself noticed and talk to her. You cant wait for her her for ever, can you?

Have talked i put it all out there one last day of Dec, lol..took almost an Hr to go to her door,nervous and scared back and forth i went till i opened it and steped inside. The next year was great, Beaches n gifts, dinner and more my feet never touched the foor. Then her past came back and i got the door.

I think just because you had a great time and now it is over you shouldnt hurt yourself. sometimes it can seem like a great way to escape or punish yourself but the reality is it just works momentarily then leaves you with more scars (both mentally and phisicaly) then you began with and you wind up exactly where you were.

Sometimes even if it seem like you two are perfect the reality is sometimes you just arnt ment to be. and if you can have so much happyness with someone you arnt nessasarily ment to be with then imagine how much joy and fun and just all over love you can share with the one you should be with. I sure you will find her soon and will never feel this way again. :)

Im sorry to hear that you put yourself out there, were even happy for a while and her past comes along and breaks down what you built up. Is there no hope at all that you two can get back together..in time i mean.

Have you talked things through with her at all, when it ended or even now? I hope your life finds its way forward soon enough.

It has been sooo long since i even thought about self harm..and today all i have done is obsess over it..i am glad i didnt self harm today but the urge was out in full force..i am so low right now it is unbelievable. I hate feeling lost and lonely.

OK - heart attak time for me tonight..i thought my 8 year old niece was self harming for about 40 seconds when she came into my room and said my name, when i looked over blood was all over her thigh and she had such a look on her face..i cant put a finger on what it was..but for those 40 seconds - until she told me she caught her leg on her toy holder thing i was crumbling inside..i believe her though as evidence proves she was telling the truth - now that im calm and think back i cant believe i was stupid enough to think she would self harm, but then again you never really know a person.. do you. So anyway i cleaned her up and it really wasnt that bad..but my mind went straight to disbelieving her..will i think that everytime - everytime she gets hurt or injured in someway? Im not sure if i would be able to keep my cool..the only reason i didnt show any kind or erraticness is because im a trained 1st aider and the 1st aider in me took over from normal me..im so scared that she will one day either self harm, or ask questions about it, or ask me about my self harm..i really dont think i would have the strength to talk to her about that. Some days im amazed at where my strength does come from..

I dont know what to do everyday seems to get worse yet im living a great life ..... why do i want to go bak to everything i did before?

Yes I know..:( It won’t change any thing to the way I want it. I know in some time feelings will change. But I guess we as people deal with situations differently, where it might be, alcohol, pill, being depressed, or cutting.
Its just i dont know..It just the way it is.

They say that I have to get a support system instead of cutting. But in those moments when I want to scream and cry and just tell someone, ANYONE what sort of demons dance in my head, I scare them away, I lose the little growth I had in these strange things called relationships. I am taking the damn meds, I am. But, there is also an understanding that this is not curable, that I am not fixable, that this darkness will always be a part of me. I understand why so many people diagnosed with bipolar disorder go insane. It feels like there would be so much freedom in letting go, in haulting the fight, in allowing chaos to finally finish grabbing hold of me. I am condemned to this fate until this shell of a body is burried six feet under. Is it any wonder that I can't help but entertain the idea of helping the process along, and getting the whole dying thing over with?

Is is so terrible to want one damn person in this world to understand me? One person, who could know me completely, and for some messed up reason, love me anyway, want me anyway. Will these black and white pages be the only things who ever get a glimpse of all I am? This existence is making me sick. The whole situation, making someone bipolar, half the time I wonder if this is a god's sick sense of humor, waiting to see how long I last before I can no longer be.

.

I havnt S.H for so long & tomight it is all ive wanted to do..there was no trigger that i could recognise - completly out of the blue. Got myself all upset about an hour ago & just cried and cried. Now, im feeling absolutly nothing.

Hope you're ok and that you've resisted the urge.

Well i didnt self harm..so i guess thats good. I have a majorly big and stressful day today..and then back on nightshift tonight..i dont know how im going to cope other than putting everything to the side and dealing with it all when i have some spare time.

.

Relapsed.

Just like I knew I would.

And this time...it was worse than it's been in a long time. I am ever so desperately trying to hide it from my parents.
I still feel as if i'm numb and can't breathe ... I find alcohol helps too.

Relapsing happens, a lot of the time I found when I expected it, it happen, no big surprise when we say it will and then we do it. I have been free for almost 2 and a half years no, my mind goes back to it once in a while, but that is as far as I am willing to let it go anymore. Don't get further down on yourself for your slip ups, count all the days you didn't have one and push yourself through it.

Nvm my posts. sorry for making posts here and then editting them ..
just cant talk about it ^^
Sorry and wont do it again.

Relapsed again...but have sorta stopped again.
Idk, I'm conflicted at the moment.

Almost cut last night..literally took all my energy to walk out and walk it off..

I agree with Beautiful Chaos and what she said in her last sentence:

Don't count your failures; count your successes.

I used to be a cutter as well..

What do you guys say when people ask you about your scars? do you upfront say I cut or i used too or do you lie & say something else?