Redangelwings poems :)

Same thing everyone, just leave an answer below with what poem you thin is best. You do not have to give a comment or reason, just be honest. Anyone is welcome to add to this :)

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#1
Annabelle

Annabelle is a free spirit in the wind
a magenta coloured flower.
The barely visible sun reflects off porcelain skin
the same shade as her long golden hair.

Smiles are as wide as the clouds that float by
when the amber field tickles our senses.
Laughing at nothing fills the air with bliss
when our child-like hearts lead us nowhere.

I link hands with Annabelle
to calm any leftover fluttering butterflies.
We sit lost but finding our love
watching the sunrise paint colours in our eyes.

#2
The twisted house of family tradition

A raven eyes me suspiciously
from its perch on a lifeless tree.
The path I walk is full of misery,
broken from the tears of depressed souls.

Memories hit me in the stomach
killing any butterflies I have left.
I stop at the familiar sight of a house,
aged with the countdown of time.

Whispers echo in the wind, hypnotizing me,
I almost sleepwalk inside to my unknown doom.
My family lived here once upon a time,
now there is a six foot hole in their hearts.

I wish things didn't happen the way they did
but I had to defend myself.
Everyday there was abuse and hate,
I'm sorry I didn't kill myself then.

The lights start to flicker in my mind,
right then I fall to my knees.
I bow my head as if in a prayer,
my breath starts to rapidly slow.

I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself,
this was all your fault.
Maybe I was drawn to this place
to finish what I started.

I pull out the gun that murdered you all,
maybe this will be our new family tradition.
This house has a power of suicide
so I put the gun to my head and pull the trigger.

(My spirit will no longer suffer
as the silence has been broken).

#3
Lets pretend my heart's alive

I wake at the usual hour of six am,
my eyes still blurry from last night's cry.
Tear-soaked pale sheets leave the floor messy,
there is nothing more annoying than
disobeying a screeching buzzer.

My heart lets out a heavy sigh (like it's alive)
because there were no stars to calm my thoughts.
The isolating darkness could never replace
a parent's love, something that tucked me in every night.

Even if I struggle through the sunshine,
these sheets will still sit lonely in the corner.
I remain unwashed and my hair spewed at the sides,
my alarm clock is still trying to sing me lullabies to sleep.

Hmm, this was quite tough as well, I am going with #3. I think it has the best flow, and I could just totally connect with it.

# 1

#3 was my favorite.

Number 3 for me although the other 2 have great potential with just a little work on them.

Thank you all so far :) xx

1 - poetry is said to be the medium for floral descriptions and adjectives full of imagery. I tend to shy away from that sort of stuff, but I can understand that you enjoy it. This poem is filled with adjectives where I would suggest more action instead. Of the three, this one has better potential.

2 - As powerful as this poem is, the message is essentially self-defeat, not shock or horror. I do like the phrase "six foot hole in their hearts" for it's cleverness.

3 - Again, depression is a tricky thing to express without seeming to wallow in self-pity. Perhaps you could focus more on the gut-feel of the situation and less on why you think you are there.

Thank you Larry.

Great feedback everyone - thanks Larry for the good advice in improving work.

Thanks for everyone who is commenting on these :) xxx

Hmmm... I have to say #3.

Although, I liked all your poems, the best I liked is #3!