***Christmas Contest***

Yeah...it's me again. "Rudolph in your Ear" Just put my Christmas tree up today and I'm now in the festive mood. What? it's still November you say? True but the shops have had chriissy stuff on display since August haha!! So...I want a funny poem about Christmas..too much sadness in the world right now so I think we need a bit of humour. Any style..just make me laugh. Closing this on 12th December so you have plnty of time to find your wit...or even to ask santa for an early present of inspiration...here's an example of what I'm looking for...

http://www.poems-and-quotes.com/funny/poems.php?id=1212467

EDIT

Just post them here BTW...

First 2 poems in will receive a snowball...which can be used to whack another poet with...

The Three Scrooges

Once upon a time, long ago, scrooges were three
Larry ,Moe and Curly had no Christmas glee
They were visited by ghostes
Then the ghostes of the mostes
Showed them all how wonderful Dickens can be

Are you a fruitcake?
oops is this the wrong thread?
I'll make my side ache
with a Limerick instead

Marry Christmas Hellon with love
I know its corny so look above

Christmas is a lovely day,
Of that I am quite sure -
But starting in November time
Seems , to me, a bore!
The lights go up, the songs blare out
We even start to bake -
The problem is, by Christmas day,
You're eating cold, dry cake!

I am not Scrooge - I can be gay -
I'll dress just like an elf -
But if I start November time,
I'll worry for my health.

Too much wine and too much cake
Leaves my stomach stretched;
And come the morn of Christmas day,
I lie where I have wretched.

So sing and dance and carry on,
But know this all the while:
I find November and all this
Really quite a trial.

*I can only apologise, lol

Great thread Hellon
All the best everyone.

This was fun, Hellon! I didn't have a clue what to write but then just sat down and let my imagination go haha.

___________

Each year I grew more and more suspicious
"Honey, what do you want for Christmas?"
That's what all they always asked me but
I never responded for nothing was a guarantee.

No one believed me when I chose to say
"What does Santa want, what's hidden in his sleigh?"
Mom gave me socks, sweaters and hats,
Dad gave me gloves and baseball bats.
But I stayed awake on Christmas Eve
for I knew Santa and his elves would deceive.

I almost fell asleep until I heard a strange sound
so I hid behind the tree and waited around
and a great beam of light shined in my face,
as a creature emerged like from outer space.
I found my voice and shouted what I knew:
"Aliens have taken over Christmas, see it's true!"
Until a cold hand touched my cheek
and I grew too scared to even speak.

That's when all the lights turned on in the room
and I heard laughs begin to thunder and boom,
that's when my brother stepped into my view
and showed me the mischief he wanted to brew.
I saw the alien costume laying at his feet
and knew that my brother had me beat
for his Christmas wish was to make me believe
that aliens came to earth on Christmas Eve,
trying to lure children into their mothership
as dreams taunted and reality started to slip.

I never heard the end of my brother's tale
for he liked to brag how his pranks never fail.
And even though I laugh and try to shake it off
while he tells his friends and they all scoff,
I know somewhere out there that aliens exist
and each Christmas they make their own wish list,
to finally conquer and control the human race
while naive children dream of Santa's happy place.

This is fun... hats off to the other two poets:)

It was great to have a laugh with my morning coffee guys...keep them coming.

Michael and Ben...here are your snowballs 0 0

Twas the night before Christmas
and all through P and Q
the poets were fighting over religion
because there was little else to do

but along came Rudolph
from down Kangaroo way
with a brand new topic
about a fat man and a sleigh

now the fat man was jolly
and definitely had the spirit
loudly shouting Ho Ho Ho
for the prostitutes to hear it

they all came a runnin'
thinking there was money to be had
but santa shook his finger
and said, you girls are too bad

he took off with a roar
and shifted his sleigh into gear
yelling at the top of his lungs
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

then all of a sudden
the sleigh exploded in the air
when the rubble fell to the earth
there was a message there

Take that you fat #^%%^%$%....we quit, The Elves and reindeer

Michael and Ben...here are your snowballs 0 0

Thanks

Now I can assign a gender to my snow person

Good one Bob lol

These are turning out well and I can't wait to write one myself, as soon as inspiration hits me.

Well Michael....that depends on which part of the anatomy you place them :)

What do you call and elf who sings?......a wrapper....ho! ho! ho!

From one of our ozzie comedians....there is some swearing so...if the mods think it's inappropriate please feel free to delete it..just tell me you laughed first ok...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXAAuQhkSbs

I'll try to post some more funnies to 'inspire' you all or...just to make you laugh...

Christmas comes but once a year,
but is strung out for months on end!
So it is not just around the corner,
but up the hill and 'round many bends.

Christmas day is drawing near.
Childrens laughter fills the air,
Their letters say "I've been good all year!"
The naughty times they don't share!

So excited they are on Christmas eve,
up the stairs they quickly climb.
In their P.Js, they clean their teeth,
way before their bedtime!

Bedtime comes and bedtime goes,
yet still they are wide awake.
Midnight comes, the clock ticks on.
Go to sleep for goodness sake!

I say "Santa has a busy night,
He'll NOT fill up your stockings!"
They just tut and giggle out loud,
their response is rather shocking!

So I tell them "You have GOT to sleep,
or Santa will NOT come!"
They cheekily reply from behind their door,
"Gosh! We're all adults now! Crazy Mum!!

My partner and I still like to wait for them to go to sleep before putting presents under the tree.
Maybe now they have all grown up it's more for her and me!

^^This is just adorable, Donna.

Thank you GB :)

Another 'inspirational' funny for you all...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kRAKXFrYQ4

Bambi vs. Rudolph

Bambi:

Let's see there Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen
Oh and Comet, and Cupid, Donner and Blitzen
Seems there's only eight according to song,
At least that was, until you came along,
One hundred sixteen years to the latter,
But what the heck, it don't really matter,
So they included you, with a bleeping red nose,
Leading a team of flying stags and does,
No wonder they laughed and called you names,
You're a glorified flashlight in a fat man's game,
you claim inclement weather?, yeah keep believing the jokes,
There's more than tobacco in the pipe that he smokes

Rudolph:

Now listen here boy, while you still have a chance,
Time for you to put on your big boy pants,
That thing you feel it ain't no twitterpation,
Likely it's owned up to a little constipation,
Your full of it, and you don't have a clue,
Now run along boy, before you're venison stew
You know nothing You're just a young punk,
Hell, your best friends are a rabbit and a skunk,
They mislead you, they cheat you, and lead you astray,
But you come back for more at the end of each day,
Come back and talk smack when you lose all those spots,
Hey wait!, Listen, did you hear those gunshots?

Kay...inspired by Snoop Dog and finding her rappin' self?....who would have thought haha!!! placed this 'inspirational' piece not knowing who would bite but...Christmas is sure full of surprises so...maybe Anna will be the next rapper to steal the mike????

Wow, these are still amazing, and definitely blowing me away.

Here's my entry By the way -

The Ornament Blues:

Oh, please don't put me on that branch,
not if you still have your cat!
Don't you see I'm delicate to the touch -
you can't keep treating me like scat. 

No, no, no not the tinsel too!
It's so shiny, no one can see me
and that makes my silver feel blue,
please put me where I can flee.

Especially if that cat of yours
climbs up to bat the lights,
I'd rather live somewhere like Mars
than in pieces on Christmas nights.

Every year you glue my pieces back,
but no one bothers to ask about the pain.
Heating pads and ice packs severely lack
the comfort of hot cocoa or cool rain.

Please, Santa, listen to me here,
don't let your cat anywhere near
because he ruins this every year,
can't you see, its his claws, I fear!

Can't believe how many entries so far and...the quality...just wow!!!

Today's inspiration....just too cute!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIdnYAkqSes

Today's inspiration...

http://memesvault.com/wp-content/uploads/Funny-Christmas-Cards-171.jpg

Closing this early because...in all honesty , I don't really see anyone else entering now. Thank you all for taking the time and...yes, you did all make me laugh but...most of you who come on here regularly will know that I love humour and rap, Kay dished up both in ample doses so...pick up you crown Dixiedaisy...you are the Christmas Queen :)

It was nice to see new members taking part as well as the more seasoned ones so...all I can say is, keep participating in these random contests...I know I have learned a lot from them in the past. Merry Christmas everyone...

Well done Dixiedaisy :)

Merry Christmas Hellon and everybody else.. Hope it's a jolly one for you all x

Yes, well done - a great piece!

Awww thank y'all. I will wear my crown proudly. Designed it myself. It has snowflakes, holly and garland. Haha, the tacky thing has blinking lights too.seriously thank you all. That was hard to get out of my realm of thinking to write. Appreciate the challenge.

Your return to writing has been memorable, Kay.
Congratulations!

Congrats! Nice piece!