Poem Improvement Thread

Right, I won't ramble on as I've said what this thread is about. Every Saturday a new thread opens and three poems maximum can be posted here throughout the week by poets on a first come, first served basis (one poem per poet) that can be constructively and politely analysed and critiqued by other members.

Simple rules: post a poem, and be open to suggestions. It might be a good idea to post work you know could do with some improvement rather than what you regard as your masterpiece and risk having that torn to shreds...

Secondly, as above, polite and constructive criticism only please. It takes courage for anyone to post their work on this site, let alone on a thread like this, so we don't need people wading in thinking they have a point to prove. In short, criticise, dissect, suggest etc but in a way that doesn't upset people...too much.

I suppose I may have just rambled on a little bit, despite promising I wouldn't...

Perhaps I just have a tougher skin than most, perhaps I realize that I'm not and never will be Frost or Wordsworth but, if you post a poem anywhere on this site you open yourself to critique, constructive or otherwise. My philosophy on that well, it's only one person's opinion. Having said that and, as no one has stepped up thus far...let me be first to the slaughter haha!!

N7

As bodies decompose
I ponder...

could a plant
be fertilized
with their nitrogen?

Would the crop
produce heritage seeds
that will live on after
the flesh has rotted?

Could I propagate
a hybrid
and, if so...
should I serve it as
Genocide

with mustard on the side...

@Hellon 25th August 2013

Ben, Hellon, feel free to dissect any poem of mine, anytime.

So..what happened to this thread? Have Abby and Danny got lost in their panini?...is Abby, at this very moment, on the dentist chair having her teeth sharpened? Has the OP gone shy on us??? Anyone else with a possible fun suggestion as to the lack of enthusiasm for this thread please post your suggestions while we are awaiting the main event...

I think we just have to try to keep this going... never can predict PnQ activity.

I do confess I read this on Sunday but was in the car and wanted a few days to think about it. I will post my thoughts here tonight.

Maybe something we could do meanwhile if a person isn't looking for a critique or improvement necessarily, we could analyze the style of someone's poem. Like the one I just posted, I had a different style/format that would "flow" more perhaps or look more uniform. But how does posting in and spacing affect how one reads or reacts to a piece? Can we change the meaning simply by separating certain lines or convey a deeper emotion based on our line breaks?

What I am about to say is simply state my first reaction to the poem. I am not necessarily giving any suggestions.

With that being said, the title has no meaning to me. N7 doesn’t grab my attention. When I read it, i could only imagine that the poem would be about numbers. Surprisingly, not necessarily, unless those numbers are interweaved somewhere in there.

After reading the poem, I cannot figure out the relationship of the content to the title. However, I have the feeling that if I look the title up in google, I might find something. ( I found a restaurant called that way....)

Also, I wasn’t expecting to picture bodies decomposing... so just because of that opening line, the whole piece comes up as dark to me.

Also, the word “propagate” in the context of the poem, it seems to be used as “breed”, but I don’t see how you( the narrator) could “breed” a hybrid out of the bodies decomposing ?

Also, I am wondering why did you choose to finish the last line with dots instead of with a question mark?

Okay, like Luce, I did not know the meaning of the title. I thought perhaps, because of some of your other poems referencing world events, that this may have been an abbreviated title. Which on one side, is interesting because it makes me research to truly discover all the poem has to offer. I usually like titles that aren't necessarily your average titles, or you have to make the connection or take a few reads to realize the meaning. I read that N7 is like the highest level of special forces in the System Alliances military (representing Earth), and that the training is something a common person couldn't imagine. I certainly couldn't.

But then... I noticed I was reading info from the Mass Effect Andromeda page. The fandom page. I've definitely heard of the game and know the music from Mass Effect but have never personally played it.

THEN, I looked into it more, the wars and what was deemed genocide by many.
This page kind of explained it to me but there were so many terms I didn't understand and names
https://andphilosophy.com/2015/06/02/mass-effect-personal-identity-and-genocide/

So it was a targeted killing of a minority, but there was question whether this would kill of the minds, not the bodies? Is this also a question of their consciousness or morality or level of "existing"? The article mentions "You must decide whether or not to change the personalities of all the heretic Geth. The belief that organic life is harmful and must be destroyed"... is that what you are referencing here? Can genocide take on the form of changing and forcibly removing or altering someone's belief?

I've had a bit of rum but this is all I could come up with so far, Hellon! ;)

Am I close??

N7: the title mystifies me even after googling it.

The basic proposal, to use human remains as fertilizer, is not really too outlandish. The term “heritage seeds” is a subtle call-back to the cliche “you are what you eat,” or in this case, the plant is what fertilizes it. Given the reality of the cycle of organic material this process may be indirect but already existing. “After the flesh has rotted” is good for stark realism.

I am clueless as to what you mean here: “could I propagate a hybrid” or how it is transmutable into genocide.

Even not understanding the previous connection I got a chuckle out of “with mustard on the side.”

N7 or N=7.

Atomic number of nitrogen is 7. Key ingredient in a fertilizer.

N7 is also a fertilizer company.

^ What?!?! That makes WAY more sense than my Mass Effect spiel lol. Didn't even make the connection of N and Nitrogen *face palm*

Number of ellipses this poem has: 3
Number of ellipses a poem should have: 0

A person automatically reads between the lines. Don't dictate it. If needed, use enjambment alone as the implied pause. Finish with definition.

I am normally disdainful of cryptic poems like this because they make me feel dumb. I read poems to register something novel, not to solve a riddle.

But I reckon I got this one. So props. You gotta do hardcore vegetable gardening and have done a term of genetics in Year 10 to get it, guys. Not that there is any scientific plausibility in this, obviously. Just pure license to art.

'Heirloom/heritage' seeds fertilised by the heritage of the corpse, its genetic line invaded by a human that cross-pollinates to create a hybrid vegetable, thus a 'genocide' of the original. Am I getting this? If I'm not, then pooooo.

Wording is clumsy, although it would be difficult to articulate this particular content in an effortless fashion. The enjambment kinda worked for me... it felt natural with the slow, stilted pondering feel of the poem.

This is a jarring and clever little poem with a classic twisted Hellon humour ending. Thoroughly unique.

I got the poem but it didn't get me. I like clear, impactful poems that become misted with time, gradually gathering layers with more readings. Not the other way round.

Also, Hellon, you put a z in fertilised. Have some Aussie/Brit dignity, wouldja please?

I think the ellipsis has become a fossilised trait in your writing, Hellon. That your work often seems pondering. Ellipsis creates a feeling of uncertainty or absent mindedness. It’s not entirely a negative thing, but I’m with Abby that ellipsis don’t particularly serve much purpose in many poems. I want strength in narration, and it leaves me wondering what purpose the persona has in this poem? Are they an observer? I cannot fathom a link between the voice and the poem itself, because the narrative struggles at times under the weight of the poem. It’s a little distracting and unsure of itself.

I genuinely think this is unique though; I’m a huge fan of the ending, and it’s a fun twist. I can’t say I know 100% what it means to ‘propagate a hybrid’, however.

It’s not particularly a poem I have much to say about, or to suggest, as I think anyone who tried to tackle a subject matter like this would find it difficult to poetise. Different, as ever, Hellon, and refreshing as far as the topic goes.

Besides not pluralising ellipsis, I agree with your critique, Danny. Probably because it's the polite panini version of mine.

Who else wants to submit?

I'd like to thank you all for reading my poem, commenting and making suggestions, it's always interesting to see how others interpret your work.

Abby...when I went for the implant I think they gave me a Big Mac instead of a Mrs. Mac's. Well that's the only excuse I can think of for my terrible terrible 'z' blunder haha!!!

So... who's gonna be next to put their head on the chopping block?????

As an English teacher, that’s pretty embarrassing. :)

My bad!

Ha, you’re right. Well, Abby, great panini think alike. ;)

Hellon, Daniel, I have already mentioned in this thread that feel free to dissect any poem of mine. So next time, don't wait for me. Just pick up any poem and start the process.

One-sided love

Here, I am,
alone in this thing called life;
crying out loud in the garden of death;
stuck in between the bruises of hellos and roses,
and burning in a mirage of prospects and contradictions.

I am tired of walking
on those letters I wrote for you;
drinking illness of questions in empty nights;
recycling my thoughts to prevent them from shriveling
and looking for me in the lyrics of the songs
in your head right now.

Now, I crave for freedom
from the room of this incurable sin;
from sleeping on the bed sheet of darkness;
from sharing my pillow with the devil and
from covering myself with the blanket of nightmares.

I have coded an ocean of emotions for you
in the seashells of infinity,
and if you ever find one of them,
blow it and you will hear
the voice of my stubborn heart asking you
the same awkward thing...

Could you please whisper
those three little drops of sweetness in my ears
and turn it into a dream?

Just at quick glance...too much punctuation which I found distracting, others will disagree with me I'm sure.
Third stanza...how many times do you start the line with from??? Maybe you were trying to emphasise a point but it didn't really work for me.

The poem is lovely BTW....

Hoo boy. This poem is thick with drama and aaaaangst.  It is suffocating with all the semi-colons and metaphors. Just check all these out:
"Garden of death"
"Bruises of hellos and goodbyes"
"Mirage of prospects and contradictions"
"Illness of questions"
"Bed sheet of darkness"
"Blanket of nightmares"
"Ocean of emotions"
"Seashells of infinity"

And there are more, too many for a poem this size.

I get it. You feel deeply. That is beautiful, and I'm glad you're writing it out. But is this purely cathartic, or do you want the reader to gain something from your poem as well? Right now, all I'm feeling is overwhelmed, an overpowering sense of love's angst. I feel for you, but I'm not feeling anything new.

Yet, I see you have a unique sensory insight into working words. Awesome. But breathe. However difficult, try to create distance between your raw emotions and your mind.  Once you're in a better headspace, crystallise your thoughts. Be selective. What exactly is the point of truth you want to communicate? How can you represent it in a way that is unique yet universal?

Perhaps focus on just one or two of the metaphors above and expand them, using more concrete language. Instead of your complexities competing with each other, let your words support each other. Give them space. Let them shine.

I can't think of the proper term, but I do like the "parallels" of some of your lines. The repetition of "from" works here in my opinion and there's a unifying part about that. However, some of this reads as a mouthful and perhaps that is due to prepositions. Too many "of"s. I have a tendency to type a flood of them in my daily writing, just emails or replying here, I don't watch or note how many times I say "I" or use prepositions, yet it's painstakingly clear when I am reading over a poem or editing my own.

The third stanza is probably my favorite, however a few things I notice that I've also seen in your previous poems. I feel like you could take a few words out and the poem would be just as stronger, if not, more able to stand on its own.

"Now, I crave for freedom" -----> "Now, I crave freedom"
"from the room of this incurable sin;" -----> Reading it with and without "this" is interesting, as "this" can add more urgent emphasis, is that what you wanted?

I actually feel like the last two stanzas were a bit vague.
"ocean of emotions" is a bit musical and whimsical, but it doesn't really scream anything to me.

"the voice of my stubborn heart asking you
the same awkward thing..."

^ "awkward thing" sort of took me out of the flow and depth of this poem
Also, your heart is already speaking so I don't feel like you have to technically say "the voice", since it is evident in writing. Your voice should speak without needing to announce itself, so to speak.

I always find your poems so thought-provoking, Ya---Na, and in this poem, I see that analysis of loneliness and the yearning for a one-sided love to finally be mutual.

Hellon, I request you not to show any mercy. Look, what Abby and Maryanne did. This is proper dissection. Ben,mate, where are you?
Luce, Daniel?

I'm on holiday right now and have limited access to the internet...the punctuation was something that just jumped out at me and I thought you could take another look at that.

I'll stick my neck on the block,

It would be great to see this thread continue
There has been some fantastic feedback so far.

Being a tree

Proud that I'm a tree
taking root quite literally
never moving
unless the wind makes me

those many years of fast paced existence
going on around me

I have seen;

The ground dragged up
furrowed burrows
rabbit warrens, hidden treasures
tossed asunder

making way for;

An asphalt eyesore
delivering fumes
choking, black leaf staining
dust
delivering death via speed
metal boxes smashing into each other
windscreens shattering
hair, blood splattering
death at my feet

then there's;

the young boy climbing me
a ladder to boast from his perch
to the girl bashful below
those same people
returning
to carve into my skin
their love
many years later

I remember fondly the;

nests of craziness
squawking to baying
miracles from shiny eggs
taking flight once had their full

yet now;

I have no eyes to unsee
the man hanging from me
the tear stained rope
the grimace
the fall
the tautness
the end
violating me

The trouble with personification, especially when it isn’t just a single line, but a whole poem, is that you need a really, really strong narrative in order for it to work. This poem isn’t really sure of its voice, and what starts off as lighthearted, with forced wordplay ‘taking root’ (which doesn’t work) flirts with uncomfortable imagery and clumsy wording, and as a result, the darkness or poignancy you’ve tried to capture in the final stanza isn’t really impactful, as I’m not particularly sure how I’m supposed to feel.

There are some nice moments scattered throughout, but they’re not particularly expanded upon enough, or original enough, to warrant their placement. If you wanted to write a poem in the voice of a tree, then I would advise:

A) risking making it completely comic. After all, personification, or anthropomorphism is a little more effective this way, in my opinion, and a little easier too. You can still have ‘darker’ moments...but in this poem, they really come across too trying.

B) focusing on one, significant ‘event’. You know, young lovers carving their names into trees, trees being uprooted to make roads, these are too cliched and here, are completely without any key detail that separates them from any other. As a reader, I want a story, something original, different. They’re too easy here, and I know you wanted to reveal different eras of this trees’ life, but it doesn’t work. Someone hanging themselves from you, I mean, wow, it’s a pretty dark image, yet one that is a little more intriguing at least. Focus on that?

Or a simple nature poem, because this poem was infinitely better when you allowed it to breathe. If you write a poem as an animal or object, you need to create a really strong character/voice or focus on details enough so people forget they’re reading a poem in the voice of a tree...

One more issue is that you had a few issues with wording:

‘Nests of craziness’
‘Tear stained rope’
‘Delivering death via speed’

Are nests ever crazy? Of all the images you could evoke about someone hanging themself, why choose tear stains? Do tears stain a rope? Speed does not ‘deliver’ death, and the issue here is word choice. Show, don’t tell.

You’ve given this tree life. Why? Does it have a story? Let the poem answer that question for you.

Thanks for the feedback Daniel.

A reoccurring issue in my poetry is I do tend to ' tell' rather than 'show'

As for word choice. I think I chose craziness to depict the hectic chick filled nest. Maybe they aren't crazy though just hungry.
Really appreciate your points.

Thanks

I guess I saw something quite different from Danny in this poem so here are my thoughts...

to be stationary like this tree would be horrible for me, only being able to observe what is going on in the small radius that it its world and yet you make it sound like it's almost the average life of someone with legs.

The tree has lived a life that most of us do...routine, perhaps mundane but...hey, it's still alive and I think that was the message you were trying to portray.

Only one small irk..

An asphalt eyesore
delivering fumes
choking, black leaf staining
dust
delivering death via speed
metal boxes smashing into each other
windscreens shattering
hair, blood splattering
death at my feet

using delivering twice here was unimaginative IMO but easily fixed.

Hmmm Hellon, I have no doubt Danny understands what the poem conveys. But I do agree with much of his critique.

Yes, an entire poem in personification is usually a bit cheeseballs. I agree with the idea of  instead focusing on just one of those stories, or on one moment with the tree. And, yes, while reading it for the first time, I actually thought, "show, don't tell". We can already see that the asphalt is an eyesore, that the existence is fast-paced, that the root is literal. Etc. Limit your use of overtly descriptive language, especially adjectives. Concentrate on your verbs.

Also, Darren. Your semi-colons. So many. Eliminate them. Just... No. Not one of them is used correctly. Look up how to use them, or simply do what I do and go by the Vonnegut rule:
"Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college."

I have to say, though, I disagree with Danny regarding your voice, Darren. I can hear you. You have a storytelling voice, quite natural. Try being more conscious of the meter you're embedding in your lines. Then they will automatically smoothen out and become more pleasurable to read. Your first stanza has a lovely lilt to it. Even some natural rhyme. Keep it up!

Great thread! Heres one I posted a while back, and keep coming back to

Writing on the Wall: II

Can you feel it, can you see?
The lyrics on the wall, they speak
They whisper words, silently scream
Of all the rage and woe in me

They're phantoms of what you will find
These memories long lost to time
Etched deeply on the walls in here
Transcribed by hands that quake with fear

The ink drips down to coalesce
With thoughts that pool with liquid stress
Ferment and mold then turn to spores
Leaving my home with weeping sores

Bloodstained foggy shattered mirror
Cannot present a reflection clearer
Of the only thing I've ever known...
The locked doors of this broken home

Compartmentalized, consigned
The locked doors of a broken mind

Thank you both

Hellon I never realized I used the same word twice.

Abby, I agree with your point on semi colons, I have
Been to college

Appreciate your feedback

The best part of this exercise was that I purposely posted a winning poem.
I think this thread has more value than the weekly contest.

Firstly, I'm sorry it took me so long to get my thoughts sorted out on everything I wanted to say about this piece, but here I am and here they are (better late than never, yeah?)

Title: Love it. I'm a huge nerd and instantly got it. Also, I really appreciate the simplicity of it because it's easy to remember, it's interesting as hell and it's got a beautiful style to it that I have been trying to explain to myself for days and still can't so we'll leave that as is lol.

First stanza: I love when a poem's introductory stanza introduces not only voice and tone, but bit of story as well and you truly mastered that in this piece. Then again, it's been a long time since I've really read your work so maybe that's just you these days. HOWEVER I agree you don't need the punctuation you chose. Honestly the stylized format of your piece does that part for you. The break of stanzas automatically makes the reader pause. It gives them a chance to stop and think about what they just read and even question what may be coming next.

Second stanza: I wonder if Could should be capitalized, but the lack there of has created an interesting effect that captivated me and connected this to the previous stanza without too much guess work or anything like that. Nitrogen however should be captialized, if for no other reason than to give it the emphasis it deserves for being in the title AND a key aspect of your story/ metaphor. Something about the flow of this stanza feels off as well, but I'm not sure if that's because it is so condensed compared to the rest of the piece or because your word choice seems... unproductively over simplified. (I know this is supposed to be constructive, and I truly hope this comment is headed in that direction - though I do apologize if the previous sentence cause and hurt feelings).

Third Stanza: While I appreciate the thought behind this stanza I do wonder if it was a bit too jarring of a turn from the previous one - it feels like we as the audience are missing the connection you as the author made in your head while writing. Reread and decide for yourself is really all I can say about that though.

Fourth stanza: This is my favorite despite your choice of punctuation. Honestly aside from the ?'s you could get away with no punctuation at all in this piece and it would be just as potent (if not more). Especially because punctuation is almost distracting in a statement piece like this. At least to me. I totally understand if your personal style disagrees. Like I said it's been a while since I've read your work. I love the capitalization of Genocide. I love the voice in this stanza, it is provactive and well utalized. It brings a sense of honesty to the piece that enhances the entire write as well.

And your conclusion: All I can say is stunning.

Alright, well I hope this helped to some degree. If not at least I can say I truly enjoyed reading this write and thank you so much for sharing.

Sorry to post in succession, but I honestly believed each author and each poem deserved their own attention and this way it allows me a chance to reread each piece as many times as needed to get the full thought of the piece as an individual work of art.

Title: Interesting, but perhaps too telling?

First Stanza: The first thing that jumps out at me is the stunning use of imagery, the beautifully penned scenery and the use of personalized voice was not only effective but captivating.

Second stanza: I love this stanza. In fact it inspired me to write my own poem, may I send it your way before posting - just so you see how much of your thought I ran with? Anyway, I've digressed more than intended. The imagery continues- however the listlike quality does not do this stanza as much justice as it has for the first one. It almost drags it out and makes it feel like you're stalling for time or something. It feels unnecessarily rambly and poorly emphasised to really create a lasting understanding of emotion or tone or even story. Just having one of those things stand out more clearly would help polish up the piece and make it more memorable.

Third Stanza, I love the use of now. it is a great transition - especially after that rambly feel. Only the list like quality got even more drab here and began to lose my attention - which saddened me because I've loved this piece up until now and I cannot wait to see how you conclude it. (Like I said to Hellen, I'm sorry if that sounds harsh - I truly don't know a better way to explain it). I like the connection between sheet, pillow and blanket though it resets the scene and helps the reader feel more intertwined in what it is you're actually saying, trying to get across this time.

Fourth Stanza: Beautiful - the emotion becomes clearer, the voice comes back to life and the piece begins to wrap up - I can feel it. I'm interested again! Nice job of bouncing back on the interest scale. The word choice here is phenomenal. You really did a great job of giving me something to read, something to remember, and a thought/idea to mull on while I reread the piece next time around. Though, I am not a fan of your use of the elipse either. I think it is because your format does that part for you and maybe if you really wanted to draw attention to the pause a set of colon or a dash might be more effective and styalistic? A little more refined perhaps? I don't know how to explain it, but there should be something more to elevate the piece in creating your pause, your pensiveness than the elipse.

Fifth stanza: Great conclusion! You wrapped up the story nicely, you held onto your voice the whole way through, and most importantly it was a full conclusion that did not leave me hanging but didn't say too much either. However, on the other hand, the flow was off here, perhaps trying to rearrange the line breaks would help, or if you really wanted to you could get away with having it as one long cohesive line. That way your readers feel the conclusiveness without being distracted so close to the end?

Thank you so much for sharing, I hope these comments helped, at least to some extent. If not, again thank you for sharing, it was a blast to read and share my thoughts.

Title: Interesting way of stylizing the title and well chosen I believe.

Immediate reactions- right away I noticed you capitalized the first letter of every single line and I want to let you know how distracting that can be to your audience. It is really an unpleasant way to read poetry especially on a digital platform. Secondly, you have little to no punctuation, but the punctuation you have is extremely ineffective. Perhaps write the entire piece out as a paragraph correctly and then play with line spacing and stanzas from there - just so you can get an idea of how different the two forms read so you'll understand what I'm saying and where I'm coming from. The imagery is nice, but the word choice feels a little all over the place which makes the piece harder to read and more disconnected from itself than what your theme seems to call for.

As for the content of the piece, there is really not much I can say, your point is there, your stanzas are well organized and the core pieces of a poem are all here in full broad daylight without question. It just boils down to that finesse and how you are presenting the piece that will really help it pop.

Thank you for sharing, and I'm sorry this comment was not as detailed as my previous two, but honestly this was the type of comment that felt most authentic as I began writing and your style almost calls for a different type of feedback anyway. I really enjoyed the potential of this piece and where it was headed, I can't wait to read more of your work and see how it grows.

I think the first stanza is superfluous as the wording doesn’t flow, it’s a little melodramatic and ‘silently scream’ is a cliched adverb-verb choice that doesn’t really work. I also tried reading it without the first stanza and nothing was lost (although you’d need to play around with a couple of words in the second stanza if you did this.) I think the second stanza is okay overall, it’s pretty to the point without sounding forced.

Moving into the other stanzas, I feel the narrative voice is mostly good but marred by some peculiar word choice. ‘Liquid stress’ made me think of alcohol, haha, it’s unfortunately a little comical, to me, at least. ‘Leaving my home with weeping spores’ is a nice image though, more of this please! ‘Compartmentalised’ is a mouthful and I don’t feel it’s the best verb...confined is better, but of course I’d always rather you show this, than tell it. The reader already knows this about the persona.

I think you post a bleak picture here, Eric. One that’s just needing sone refining and rewording.

Just realised I called you Tony, Eric. Sorry :’D

Its a sonnet in tetrameter. Try reading to that beat. But thanks for the insights!

Tony, I actually like it, but in regards to it being a sonnet I do have a couple of points. Traditionally, sonnets are 14 lines (3 quatrains and a couplet) so this is four lines too many. By dropping that first stanza as Daniel suggested, that would be instantly rectified. Also, sonnets tend to be written in iambic pentameter (five iambic feet per line - 10 syllables). You probably know that anyway, so if you just wanted to write in tetrameter, that's to be applauded for originality! There are however, a few lines here and there (particularly in the last quatrain) that have too many syllables for tetrameter (4 iambic feet - 8 syllables in all) eg, "Cannot present a reflection clearer" - I count 10 here.

All the best and I hope this helps.

It helps a lot!

Were you trying to write a super sonnet?

Darren -

Your poem reminded me of the innocence and heartache of "The Giving Tree" as well as the fate and impending doom of "The Hanging Tree" (a song from The Hunger Games). I agree that the tone shifts so intensely at the end and perhaps the beginning could have been more fluent. As dark and haunting as the ending in, I LOVE how you described it. Toward the first half of the poem, there's growing up, maturing and just the general cycle of life... but with that last stanza, you not only personify the tree ("violating me" gave me shivers) but you also spoke how life can be so full yet so empty. How we can be filled with hope and memories yet be living with the grief and pain.

I know you have already replied about the semi-colons, and I feel like any other kind of mark or dash would still make those separate lines feel cluttered. I think they stand out enough without need for any punctuation.

I also feel like you already have a unique voice, that this stanza could have been even more powerful with fewer words:

"An asphalt eyesore
delivering fumes
choking, black leaf staining
dust
delivering death via speed
metal boxes smashing into each other
windscreens shattering
hair, blood splattering
death at my feet"

- I liked the phrase "delivering death" but didn't feel "via speed" was necessary.
I do kind of like all the -ing words here.

Also, a few stanzas later: "taking flight once had their full" seems like awkward phrasing?

Really neat how you brought this tree to life through those around it, through its eyes. You always hold a depth in your poems, and I feel like this poem could be just polished up a bit in places (as many of ours can be) but I truly felt that ending. I see Danny's point about building up to it more, because is it shock you are going for or more emotion, more sorrow than a surprise at the shifted tone?

thanks MA

this is great feedback.

Well, I wasn’t going to post a poem for critique but this piece has been haunting me. I wrote it back in 2017. Back then I had the idea of what I wanted to write but I couldn’t finish it.
Should I leave it as it is or should I try to expand and edit more? Should I continue with the meter as in stanza one? As well as with the rhyming pattern?

As you can see, as the poem progresses, I started to lose focus on the meter. I tried to stick to some rhyming but I also thought that it would have been better to continue with free style as whoever is narrating is suffocating per se ... ( )
Well, here it is.

Title: (Oh Air - Acrostic)

On a tempestuous day, a girl with brownish hair
spoke to her dearest nature friend:

( Acrostic )

As leaves fall on my hair, I sing to you: Oh Air,
When greens begin to fade and trees become too bare.
And while neath oaks, I stare a sec at the sun's glare
In awe of my own shade and of the winds that dare
To sway the swing I share - with him, the man I care.
In you, I see an aid who breathes off me despair,
No matter if I'm scared or lost in thought somewhere...
(God knows that I'm afraid to ever lose you, I swear.)

For now, I feel you on my skin.
Oh I so breath you deep within.
Right in and out. Right out and in.

You shake the buds I see, those grown beside a tree:
Oh gently, full with glee, as he, the man I love, holds me.
Unfalteringly free, you are. I must agree.

To some extent, you've truly been,
One who delivers me from sin:

Caressing me, my every pore, till I calm down.
Occasionally, cooling me when you're around.
Majestically, wavering my spirit as well as my gown;
Especially, as I get lost in the view of our town.

To you, I thank, with all my life and heart.
(Oh for being you some kind of abstract art.)

Moreover, as birds soar onto the sky
Eventually, breaking you as they fly,

Oh Air, you lift them still so very high
Heightening your strength for you know in you they rely.

And when the clouds become untamely dark
Immediately, you turn into squalls and bark;
Roaring windingly loud to push them back.

I know you are a breeze most of the times;

A gentle current touching grounds;
Moving plants with refreshing sounds

So as trees fly within the vortex of your frustration
Unawarely becoming projectiles aim at civilizations
Few can respire your gentleness and sense of protection
Few can breath in the realization…
Oh Air, that you are not an abomination!
C..
A
T
I
N
G
!

Written by: L.L.

August 28, 2017