Natalie's Contest!

Okay, I decided to do a contest. :] Below are 15 titles to choose from, You may reserve one if you want too. I'll also critique each one as they're being entered. Any poems with overused words such as, I, she, he, us, our, your, like, and, me.. will be disqualified. I'll be picking on every little thing, so make sure you read through your poem a few times before entering it. :]

Once all 15 have been done, I'll choose a final 8. Those 8 people must then write a Senryu to sum up their poem. You all should know what a Senryu is, right? They'll enter that with their poem fixed up. And then there will be 3 winners. No prizes though. :] They must be NEW poems, aswell. Don't just get an old poem and change the title. If you do, you'll be disqualified and won't be alowd to enter again. Have fun. =D

1. Desolate {Reserved}
2. Vigorous Tears {Done}
3. Septic Wounds {Done}
4. Emerging Fears {Done}
5. Injected Poison {done}
6. Stained Complexion {Done}
7. Two Years Too Late {Done}
8. Unsealed Pipes
9. Counting The Seconds {Done}
10. Erased Pain {done}
11. Hauled Down
12. Demolished Child {Done}
13. Armed With Courage {Done}
14. Breathing Toxic Fumes {Done}
15. Under My Skin {Done}

Use the dictionary if you need to. :]

can I reserve 'Demolished Child?'

can i reserve armed with courage please?

Reserving Desolate

All done. :]

Vigorous Tears

Innocent heart forever scarred
Tears of pain leaves faces stained

Too young to understand
Brutality from one man

Too old to forget
The father they now regret

Once so full of love
Sadly, hatred has set in
Those famous last words
Forever echo within

“Daddy does not want to see us anymore”
The youngest says while dropping to the floor

Deafening silence chilled the air
Eight young eyes looked in despair

Not a night goes by without a tear
One by one each child says this prayer

“God bless mamma for she tries
God bless grandma and grandpa for the great times

God bless my sister and brother’s even though we fight
God bless Daddy and bring him by tonight

Please God,
Let us see Daddy one last time
Please, keep him close by your side

Time for bed so I guess Lord it is goodnight
Tomorrow we will give Daddy another try.”

With each prayer come more tears
Not a single smile or laughter fills the air

Children tucked in; each face wiped dry
Now it is my turn to pray tonight

“God bless mom and dad for, Lord, they try
God bless my siblings even though we fight

Most of all Father bless the kids
Please, God, hold them extra tight
For their father walked out on their lives.”

© Sherry Lynn Hull Richardson

*Stained Complexion*

Tears simultaneously hit the floor
Whilst her back smashes against the wall
Obscure thoughts overcome her
Sauntering along the never ending hall

Breath of whiskey; his lips meet her neck
She breaks free and lets out a scream
Everything goes black; She opens her eyes
Sweat drops down as she awakes from her dream

August 22, 2006
Kristen McKenzie

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You know I love all of your poems, Kristen. I admire your writing.
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Tears simultaneously hit the floor
Whilst her back smashes against the wall
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I liked these two opening lines for the poem, they had some pretty good imagry and they just reached out to the reader straight away.
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Obscure thoughts overcome her
Sauntering along the never ending hall
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These two lines carried on with the imagry, which was good. I did however think you could go into a little more detail about the thoughts that are overcoming her. Were they thoughts
from something that happened from the past? Or maybe from the present. The second line was good, it gave me this picture in my mind of a girl just trapped in this hall, that's never ending.
As if she can't escape those thoughts.
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Breath of whiskey; his lips meet her neck
She breaks free and lets out a scream
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Again, you have great imagry, you know exactly how to keep that going. The first line was good, I don't think there's anything in that line I would even think of changing.. But then in the second line, I dunno, it feels like something missing, all through the poem you've used really good vocab and described everything so well, and then
it almost stops here.
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Everything goes black; She opens her eyes
Sweat drops down as she awakes from her dream
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Great imagry once again. But what I did notice, you used the words she twice and her twice, I'm sure you could try and reword them a tiny little bit. Even if you had something like this for the first line:
"Everything goes black; Opening {insert a adj.} eyes"
I'm sure something like that might make it sound alot better. In the second like, I liked the idea about the sweat dropping down, as if she was really scared and worried. And then going onto the part where she awakes from the dream, which is also great. It also helps the reader understand why sweat is dripping from her, cause if you have a terrible nightmare, some people do wake up sweating alot, or crying, or something.
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It was a pretty short poem, and I thought you could have added just a little bit more. But that's up to you of corse. All in all, a great poem, Kristen!

Natalie``

-Armed With Courage.-

Armed with courage trudging through the silence,
Behold the blessed and forget the fallen,
Remembering old faces beneath the moon that night,
A silver blade shining from the light.

Blood thirsty demons waiting for the perfect opportunity,
Sink their fangs into fresh flesh and be done with the prey,
Blood spilled all over the forest floor,
Wolves howling at the harvest moon.

Armed with courage spirits raise the bloody blades,
Ready to fight, ready to conquer,
Enemy after enemy is slain,
And armed with courage the vacant spirits will desolate.

© Jenna Elphick
August 22, 2006

- - I know that it really sucks, but hey, that's why i entered, to learn more from you because you seem very smart and a great writer lol, i'm excited to hear what you have to say. =) - -

-Armed With Courage.-

Armed with courage trudging through the silence,
Behold the blessed and forget the fallen,
Remembering old faces beneath the moon that night,
A silver blade shining from the light.

Blood thirsty demons waiting for the perfect opportunity,
Sink their fangs into fresh flesh and be done with the prey,
Blood spilled all over the forest floor,
Wolves howling at the harvest moon.

Armed with courage spirits raise the bloody blades,
Ready to fight, ready to conquer,
Enemy after enemy is slain,
And armed with courage the vacant spirits will desolate.

© Jenna Elphick
August 22, 2006

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Armed with courage trudging through the silence,
Behold the blessed and forget the fallen,
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I liked the first line in this, but if i'm correct, as Kaylee once told me, your past and present tenses are jumbled. You say in the first line "trudging" meaning present tense, and then in the second line you have "behold" and "forget" ..I kinda thought it might work better if you had "Beholding the blessed; forgetting those who've fallen" that also might work alot better because you have the word "the" twice in that sentence, and the word "and" is not really needed.
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Remembering old faces beneath the moon that night,
A silver blade shining from the light.
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You kept your tenses right in this one. But again you've used the word 'the' in both lines. Maybe try and re-word them or something. I liked the imagry in these lines though, it was good.
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Blood thirsty demons waiting for the perfect opportunity,
Sink their fangs into fresh flesh and be done with the prey,
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Alright, the first line is in present tense and the second is in past. If you wanted to take out the 'the' in the first line, you could have this: "Blood thirsty demons waiting for perfect opportunitys" ...it could work alot better. Now with the second line.. 'sinking' would work better instead of 'sink' ..if you are planning to stay in present tense for the whole poem. I also think change 'the' to 'their'.
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Blood spilled all over the forest floor,
Wolves howling at the harvest moon.
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Nice imagry. In the first line you've switched back to past tense. 'spilled' could be changed to 'spilling' and you could take out the words 'all' and 'the' and then have 'floors' instead of 'floor'. I liked the second line. :] Gave it that true dark feeling, wolves in the forest. Tehe.
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Armed with courage spirits raise the bloody blades,
Ready to fight, ready to conquer,
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You can change 'the' to 'their'. I liked these two lines alot.
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Enemy after enemy is slain,
And armed with courage the vacant spirits will desolate.
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In my opinion, starting a line with 'And' kinda throws it off. Sometimes it works well though. You can also take out the word 'the' in here to. It's not really needed.
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Overall, it was a good DARK poems, and I don't mind Dark Poems, they're pretty good. Only a few minor things I would change to this, and I've already explained them, but aswell, in some parts the flow did seem a little rocky. especially towards the last stanza. Great job though.

Natalie``

Vigorous Tears

Innocent heart forever scarred
Tears of pain leaves faces stained

To young to understand
Brutality from one man

To old to forget
The father they now regret

Once so full of love
Sadly, hatred has set in
Those famous last words
Forever echo within

“Daddy does not want to see us anymore”
The youngest says while dropping to the floor

Deafening silence chilled the air
Eight young eyes looked in despair

Not a night goes by without a tear
One by one each child says this prayer

“God bless mamma for she tries
God bless grandma and grandpa for the great times

God bless my sister and brother’s even though we fight
God bless Daddy and bring him by tonight

Please God,
Let us see Daddy one last time
Please, keep him close by your side

Time for bed so I guess Lord it is goodnight
Tomorrow we will give Daddy another try.”

With each prayer come more tears
Not a single smile or laughter fills the air

Children tucked in; each face wiped dry
Now it is my turn to pray tonight

“God bless mom and dad for, Lord, they try
God bless my siblings even though we fight

Most of all Father bless the kids
Please, God, hold them extra tight
For their father walked out on their lives.”

© Sherry Lynn Hull Richardson
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Let me first say this poem almost brought me to tears. It was such a emotional write. Wow.
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Innocent heart forever scarred
Tears of pain leaves faces stained
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The first line in this was really gripping and was a perfect way to start the poem. The term scarred was great in my opinion, meaning it's been broken so badly that it can't be erased. With the second line, I'm starting to read alot of poems with that kind of saying, but I must admitt, I use it aswell, cause I like it.
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To young to understand
Brutality from one man
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One minor thing in this part, with the first line, first word, I'm sure it should be 'too'. But these lines are great also, helps the reader understand that it must be about children and their father. And I loved how you said 'too young to understand' cause that is very true. Alot of children are way too young to understand why certain things in life happen.
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To old to forget
The father they now regret
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Again, the 'to' should be 'too' if I'm not mistaken. I also liked these two lines. Nicely done.
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Once so full of love
Sadly, hatred has set in
Those famous last words
Forever echo within
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I thought this stanza flowed so well together, and the rhyming didn't seem forced. It was nicely written. "Those famous last words" meaning goodbye, that was nicely done also.
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“Daddy does not want to see us anymore”
The youngest says while dropping to the floor
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These two lines are simply heartbreaking. I knew exactly what it was like growing up as a young child not understanding why my parents weren't together anymore. It's so sad too, when they think that it's their fault or something. You also had good imagry in the second line. As if she/he was just sinking in a sigh.
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Deafening silence chilled the air
Eight young eyes looked in despair
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I'm really starting to feel a bit stupid right now, cause I can't pick out anything bad about this poem. These two lines were also great, carried on with the imagry, and the emotions.
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Not a night goes by without a tear
One by one each child says this prayer
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These lines were great also. I can just picture children every night kneeling at their beds praying for their father to come home. So sad.
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“God bless mamma for she tries
God bless grandma and grandpa for the great times
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I liked how in this line you first say 'God bless mama for she tries" Meaning the children understand that the mother is doing the best she can without the father around. And then moving onto grandma and grandpa obviously for the great times when the children have had to be with them while the mother is maybe at work or something. So they know the grandparents are trying their best to help out aswel.
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God bless my sister and brother’s even though we fight
God bless Daddy and bring him by tonight
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I loved how you've wrote the first line, brothers and sisters do fight, alot, and I know that from exprience. But what I really liked about this line is the fact that this young child who's praying knows their siblings are feeling the same pain, and he/she can understand what they're going through aswel. Then the final prayer about bringing Daddy home, that was just heart gripping. Loved it!
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Please God,
Let us see Daddy one last time
Please, keep him close by your side
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Now these lines are also good. All through the poem it seems like it was just parents getting a devorse, and here it sounds like their father has passed away, but you've left it open well enough for the readers own interpretation of what's going on.
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Time for bed so I guess Lord it is goodnight
Tomorrow we will give Daddy another try.”
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The last line is gripping. As if the child will not give up praying for their father to come back untill he does. Nicely done.
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With each prayer come more tears
Not a single smile or laughter fills the air
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Now this is where it gets really sad, cause no matter how many times they're praying their father is still not back at home.
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Children tucked in; each face wiped dry
Now it is my turn to pray tonight
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Nice imagry again, I wasn't sure though if in these lines it was the mother talking or not.
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“God bless mom and dad for, Lord, they try
God bless my siblings even though we fight
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I did like these lines, but as I said above, I just wasn't too sure if this was the mother praying.. I'm guessing it is, but I could be wrong.
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Most of all Father bless the kids
Please, God, hold them extra tight
For their father walked out on their lives.”
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Now this is where it really sounds like the mother is praying. As she knows the children are expriencing so much pain and wants them to be able to be happy again. The last line is so sad. Puts a great ending to the poem!
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Overall, I honestly fell in love with this poem the first time I read through it. The emotions in this piece were so strong, and things like this happen everyday and it's really sad to see. An excellent write!

Natalie``

kay, i edited the poem, to how you said to edit it, and thank you soooo much, i think it is way better now. You really are an amazing writer =) .

Emerging Fears.

Life's the greatest of them all,
Happiness comes along with the fall.
Minutes, turn to , hours, of selfishness, and wasted time.
Spending moments, retracting, all from the back of your mind.

Speeches, on what it brings, come everyday.
Fears, on how it seems, never go away.
Tears, that never end, truly stay, deep within.
Heartbreak and depression, filling the body, when will life begin?

Emptiness, tearing at your soul.
Loneliness, making you feel not whole.
But, where does it take you in life?
It takes you to a place, where surprises are rife.

Learning something new, every single day.
Emerging fears, set at aside, to be sent away.
Feelings unneeded, in this life, come at you in many ways.
But never step down, and never go a stray.

For, what comes after the surprises, are more.
That make you feel whole, and take what's tore.
The pieces broken, soon become repaired,
So, when the fears emerge, do not become scared.

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Life's the greatest of them all,
Happiness comes along with the fall.
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These opening lines were good. Though I think it could sound better if you take out the word "the" in the second line and then replace 'fall' with 'falls'.
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Minutes, turn to , hours, of selfishness, and wasted time.
Spending moments, retracting, all from the back of your mind.
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This is where I noticed your flow gets rocky, the start of the poem the first two lines were reasonably short, and then these two are really long. You could probably comb out some uneeded words in there. With the first line: Minutes, turn to , hours, of selfishness, and wasted time. ..You could change it like this: Minutes turn to hours of selfishness; wasted time. I think that would work much better. With this part: all from the back of your mind. ..Take out the word 'all' ..you don't really need it there.
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Speeches, on what it brings, come everyday.
Fears, on how it seems, never go away.
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I think you could replace the word "on" with "about", and you don't need the comma in the first line. Second line doesn't need the comma there either. I also think you could re-word the second line.. take out the word 'it' and have something else..
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Tears, that never end, truly stay, deep within.
Heartbreak and depression, filling the body, when will life begin?
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You don't need all those comma's in the first line. You could also change 'that' to 'which' ..to change the wording abit. In the second line..you could change it to look like this: Heartbreak, depression, filling the body, when will life begin? ..Though I did think that last statement was forced into there to go with the rhyming.. It could have just been me though.
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Emptiness, tearing at your soul.
Loneliness, making you feel not whole.
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In these lines I thought you could use some describing words, spice it up a little. For example: Tearing at your soul. ..What kind of soul? Is it terribly broken..etc. You get me? Second line.. "making you feel not whole" that part felt off... maybe you could switch 'feel' and 'not' around so it says "making you not feel whole" ..sounds alot better.
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But, where does it take you in life?
It takes you to a place, where surprises are rife.
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Take out the word 'but' ..it's not really needed. This line makes me a little confused. You said 'where does IT take you in life' ..what exactly is IT ..I thought you could go a little deeper in this part to explain that..
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Learning something new, every single day.
Emerging fears, set at aside, to be sent away.
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In these two lines, you don't need the comma's there. I liked these lines though. They flowed nicely, and the rhyming was good.
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Feelings unneeded, in this life, come at you in many ways.
But never step down, and never go a stray.
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The first line felt off to me. It feels as if it could have been worded better. And in the second line, you can take out the word 'and' ..you don't need it. You can just have "But never step down, never go astray".
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For, what comes after the surprises, are more.
That make you feel whole, and take what's tore.
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I've reaslise you really love your comma's lol. I kinda do, too. Anywho, You can take out the comma's in these lines, too. And in the first line you can take out the word 'the' ..it sounds better without it. Second line: You can take out 'that' and having "Makes" instead. And you can also take out 'and'.
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The pieces broken, soon become repaired,
So, when the fears emerge, do not become scared.
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You can take out 'the' in the first line. And have it like this: Pieces broken, soon become repaired. And in the second line, you can take out those comma's. And have it like this instead: When fears emerge, do not become scared. Sound better?
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It was a good poem, it just needs a few minor touch ups. That's all. Great job!

Natalie``

kay, i edited the poem, to how you said to edit it, and thank you soooo much, i think it is way better now. You really are an amazing writer =) .

^^You're welcome. :] And thank you.

You're welcome. :]

Thanks natalie...

--Sher

"Demolished Child"

Long black hair sighs across his face
Blood bears no resemblance to any former race
Once a bastard child aborted at birth
to demolition lovers burned at the stake of lust

And the child lies in brutal decay
of a single moment of happiness
pale and solitary, unwanted from the start
she was but another brick
in the wall around his heart

"What a nice young man"
Relatives and would-be friends
speak of a strong retepore
after-thoughts unthought upon
but they never cared before

His only friend named anger
shut himself in his room
Blasting music records
and curled under blank covers
back inside his mother's womb

Red under his trigger hand
Future scribbled on the walls
This child knows one click
could end it all

but how does one end something
who never had a beginning
The child smiles ironically
He'll leave this world grinning

Sher: You're welcome. :]

& Kristen: You're welcome, too. Ily.2!

"Demolished Child"

Long black hair sighs across his face
Blood bears no resemblance to any former race
Once a bastard child aborted at birth
to demolition lovers burned at the stake of lust

And the child lies in brutal decay
of a single moment of happiness
pale and solitary, unwanted from the start
she was but another brick
in the wall around his heart

"What a nice young man"
Relatives and would-be friends
speak of a strong retepore
after-thoughts unthought upon
but they never cared before

His only friend named anger
shut himself in his room
Blasting music records
and curled under blank covers
back inside his mother's womb

Red under his trigger hand
Future scribbled on the walls
This child knows one click
could end it all

but how does one end something
who never had a beginning
The child smiles ironically
He'll leave this world grinning
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Long black hair sighs across his face
Blood bears no resemblance to any former race
Once a bastard child aborted at birth
to demolition lovers burned at the stake of lust
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I liked the first line in this, had some good imagery. With the second line, is "bears" meant to be "bares" ..I'm not sure really, I could be wrong..
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And the child lies in brutal decay
of a single moment of happiness
pale and solitary, unwanted from the start
she was but another brick
in the wall around his heart
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This is where I got confused with the rhyming scheme and the fact that the first stanza had four lines, and this one had five. Maybe try and keep it all the same.. I'd sugest maybe taking out the word "And" at the start of the first line. And maybe replace the word "of" to "from" ..up to you though. I loved the third line! It was great! And the two last lines went well together, very creative.
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"What a nice young man"
Relatives and would-be friends
speak of a strong retepore
after-thoughts unthought upon
but they never cared before
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For some reason, I think you should go back to the first stanza, and make every stanza five lines, and keep this rhyme scheme, it seems to flow nicely and I like it. I thought this stanza here though was written well in my opinion.
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His only friend named anger
shut himself in his room
Blasting music records
and curled under blank covers
back inside his mother's womb
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With the first two lines, if you wanted to maybe draw the reader in a little more, you could re-word one of the "his's" ..having two so close together kinda throws it off. This is where the poem seems like a story, and it's pretty realistic, though the term "blasting music" is becoming abit clitch, it still works well with the rest of the stanza.
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Red under his trigger hand
Future scribbled on the walls
This child knows one click
could end it all

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For the three stanza's before this one, the flow was really nice and the rhyming was great. But then it all changed here. It's mainly the last line that throws it all off. It just didn't flow as good, sorry. I do however like the second line, his future scribbled on the walls, I thought that was pretty different and cool.
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but how does one end something
who never had a beginning
The child smiles ironically
He'll leave this world grinning
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I'd sugest to take out the word "but" in the first line, and have it like this: How could one end something.. ..I loved how the second line went so well with the first one.. that was great. The ending was alright, I can't put my finger on it but it feels like somethings missing..
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Overall, I thought it was a great poem, you just need to fix up that part where the flow goes rocky, And decide how many lines you want in each stanza, and what kind of rhyming scheme you're gonna stick with. Great job!

Natalie``

3) Septic Wounds
By Me

Gashes across my face,
Another down my back,
This sick and twisted game,
That strengthens all I lack,

Tied to the bed post,
Beaten to the core,
Left to rest in terror,
Alone forever more,

The crimson stains the white,
Each sheet another page,
History wrapped in silence,
In the end of all this rage,

Metal edges claw at me,
I think it's called the blade,
A child wrapped in misery,
In her pants he starts to raid,

She never screams her torture,
If she does it is her last,
His hands, his face across her,
Forever lost in past.

im sorry i dont know what a 'Senryu' is

Wings Of Flames: You don't need to write the Senryu yet. Only those you end up in the top eight have to.

But yesh, a Senryu is the same as a Haiku, except based on human emotions. :]

I'll critique yours soon, I'm trying to write something for another contest, but it's taking longer than planned out cause of family issues. So I'll get it done asap. xx.

And, Jess, you can do it on the weekend. Ily.2!

Thanks, Jess!

Wings of flames: I'm gonna do yours in the morning, cause it's starting to get really late here, and I'm really tired.

Keep 'em coming though. :]

can i hav Two Years To Late....plz..

Can I reserve

Under the Skin

Also, what do you mean by a senyu that SUMS up everything?

Well, basically, you'd just have to write a senryu..but with the main point of what your poem is about.

Lol it's alright. :]

I'm nearly done critiquing the last poem.

Anyone else wanna enter?

3) Septic Wounds
By Me

Gashes across my face,
Another down my back,
This sick and twisted game,
That strengthens all I lack,

Tied to the bed post,
Beaten to the core,
Left to rest in terror,
Alone forever more,

The crimson stains the white,
Each sheet another page,
History wrapped in silence,
In the end of all this rage,

Metal edges claw at me,
I think it's called the blade,
A child wrapped in misery,
In her pants he starts to raid,

She never screams her torture,
If she does it is her last,
His hands, his face across her,
Forever lost in past.
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Gashes across my face,
Another down my back,
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See how you have the word "my" so close together? You could easily change that, by maybe having: Gashes across pale face, Another down my back.
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This sick and twisted game,
That strengthens all I lack,
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You could take out the 'and' ..it's not really needed. And you could also take out the word 'that' in the second line. I really do like these first four lines though, they were great ways to open up the poem!
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Tied to the bed post,
Beaten to the core,
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I liked these lines. Even though you have the words 'to the' repeating so close together, I can't really think of a way to change that right now..
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Left to rest in terror,
Alone forever more,
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These two lines in my opinion were great. I wouldn't change them.
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The crimson stains the white,
Each sheet another page,
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Okay, in the first line you have the word 'the' twice. I'm sure you could take atleast one of them out. But I did like these lines, aswel.
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History wrapped in silence,
In the end of all this rage,
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Out of the whole poem, I loved these two lines. They were really good. The only thing I would suggest is maybe trying to re-word the second line. It just has alot of common words and I thought you could spice it up abit.
``````````````````````````````````````````
Metal edges claw at me,
I think it's called the blade,
``````````````````````````````````````````
The first line was good, the second line kinda felt abit clitche. They're good together though.
`````````````````````````````````````````
A child wrapped in misery,
In her pants he starts to raid,
`````````````````````````````````````````
These lines are really sad. I loved how they were worded too.
`````````````````````````````````````````
She never screams her torture,
If she does it is her last,
````````````````````````````````````````
First line: Great. Second line: Made me a little confused. I think you could make this poem go deeper, explain a little more about this torture.
````````````````````````````````````````
His hands, his face across her,
Forever lost in past.
````````````````````````````````````````
This was a good ending to the poem. All poems need a great ending, in my opinion. And I think you did great.
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Overall.. I think it was a really good poem, but I know you could write deeper, really let those emotions claw out to the reader. Great job. & Sorry I've taken so long to do this, and that it's not very detailed. ..I've been pretty sick and stuff lately.

Natalie``

Under The Skin

What voyage does one take
When falling all awake
Inside my very veins
The core of my disdain
Plunder visions of gold
My endless hope grows old
Steal away innocence
Confine me to silence

Underneath this pale skin
Lies a maleviolent grin
Cheering to the darkness
Unknown to the blindness
On the edge of losing
All truth of believing
That goodness is in me
Or any sign of purity

Under the barren skin
Resentment wait within
Touching relms no one went
Worship would be torment
Alas, the story flees
Not all is as it seems
Behind the skin of lace
Sleeps a merciless face

can i reserve injected poison?

Injected Poison
by adrian or adrian1294

lay my body to sleep
wait it to dream fully, dream deep
put poison in the syringe
as you put it through my skin, my body felt a twinge

my body turns white
in the dreams it's dreaming, there was a light
god in heaven, slipping my body away
hot ground my body lays

burning to ashes, face melting
red hot on fire, scary looking
my body awakes panting, it was only a dream

"lay down my dear" the doctor said
"NO" my mouth said back

a dream, that will come true, premonition
dreaming of an injected poison
how? was my question

can i reserve Counting the seconds?

Also i may sound like an idiot but what IS a Senryu?

ur not an idiot, i didn't kno it too!

line 1 = 5 syllables
line 2 = 7 syllables
line 3 = 5 syllables

Lol, a senryu is fun to write ! It's just like a haiku, but is based on human emotions instead of nature. =) .

Two Years To Late..

Where did you go?
Why did you leave..
Did you leave for work...
For another another lover..
I tried to write to you...
a whole year...
365 letters..
Did you get them....
Why didn't you respond..
Did you miss me..
Because I missed you..
I loved you
I gave you everything..
Did you do the same..

I gave up..
I stopped trying to find you..
I became miserable..
Started to cutt...

One day I heard that you died..
From a friend...
I couldn't take it anymore...
I took a knife and stabbed myself till i died...

Now as I look in Heavan..
I found out that you were alive..
I've waited and waited...
But you were To Years To Late..

These are great. Keep 'em coming.

I'm really really sick atm, that's why I havn't been on here really. But keep them all coming. :]

Under The Skin

What voyage does one take
When falling all awake
Inside my very veins
The core of my disdain
Plunder visions of gold
My endless hope grows old
Steal away innocence
Confine me to silence

Underneath this pale skin
Lies a maleviolent grin
Cheering to the darkness
Unknown to the blindness
On the edge of losing
All truth of believing
That goodness is in me
Or any sign of purity

Under the barren skin
Resentment wait within
Touching relms no one went
Worship would be torment
Alas, the story flees
Not all is as it seems
Behind the skin of lace
Sleeps a merciless face
```````````````````````````````````````
What voyage does one take
When falling all awake
Inside my very veins
The core of my disdain
Plunder visions of gold
My endless hope grows old
Steal away innocence
Confine me to silence

```````````````````````````````````````
You know that I love all your poems, Noni. So critiquing this is really hard for me.. and more because I can't read it out aloud to myself cause I've lost my voice. Lol.. I really liked the first line though. Great way to start the poem. Second line: I don't think you need the 'all' ..to me it just sounds better without it. Third line was good. No suggestions. Same with the rest. The flow in this stanza was great. As with the rhyming. Loved it. Your word usuage was good too. Although you had a few my, to, the, and etc, you still managed to add some bigger words to cover that up? I hope that makes sense. {You know how sick I am, so I'm sorry if this isn't making sense}.
````````````````````````````````````````
Underneath this pale skin
Lies a maleviolent grin
Cheering to the darkness
Unknown to the blindness
On the edge of losing
All truth of believing
That goodness is in me
Or any sign of purity
````````````````````````````````````````
First line: You could maybe take out 'this' ...up to you though, sounds great either way. I'm also getting the drift that you're following a syllable count. So for the 3 & 4th lines, you've used 'to the' in both lines. I thought you could change one of them. Even if the 3rd line was: Cheering beyond darkness. ...cause then you can still keep that syllable pattern. I loved the last 4 lines. flowed very nicely and the rhyming was awesome!
````````````````````````````````````````
Under the barren skin
Resentment wait within
Touching relms no one went
Worship would be torment
Alas, the story flees
Not all is as it seems
Behind the skin of lace
Sleeps a merciless face
````````````````````````````````````````
First line: For some reason I really don't think you need 'the' in there. I think it would be better without it. I like how this stanza was written though, Noni. It's probably way beyond my league to critique. Wow. You had an amazing ending too. Whoa.
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First I wanna say sorry if this wasn't the kind of critique you were looking or hoping for. I love your work. It's way beyond my league. The whole poem flowed REALLY nicely. and your rhyming was great, too. An excellent write in my opinion. Great job!

Natalie``

Adrian: If you could please go through your poem and try and fix it up a little it would be much appreciated. Basicaly every line has my, the, a, etc. constantly. I don't wanna have to disqualify it, but if you could work on it a little more, you can. This contest is most likely gonna be going for awhile since I'm really sick and can't critique everyones as fast. So you have alot of time. :] ..Thanks.

ok i'll try to fix it up..........sorry i suck....

well you said to make it better, well i made a really big change of how the story went, i tried to put big words, tried to less-en up my a, the, my etc. so, i tried my best, but if this can't fit in this contest, you can disqualify me. and i hope you feel better......

Injected Poison
by adrian or adrianc1294

vial, filled with crimsoned tears and blood
inserted with a long syringe, slowly devoured in
undressed fully, seeing my body naked
the needle, impatiently, injected within

a masked doctor holding it tightly,
his skinny fingers pressed painfully in my arm
why? a question unfamiliarly answered, the doctor was looking seriously
crazy maniac testing an illegal drug, seconds later it felt hot and warm

uncontrollably, my body shakes,
metallic red blood coming out of my eyes, like a tear
uncleared words, silent lip makes
while toxic bubbles appeared

a little while later, my weak body helplessly fainted, hearing unaudible sounds, cops blaring, coming forth
to the rescue, they took me to a hospital
but didn't make it, thumping sounds of a broken heart made stopped, dreaming of entering a white door
in heaven seeing what happened like a show, how an injected poisoned victim became an angel

That's great, man. Thanks. :]

I wish my name was natalie so i could have a cool spelling frenzy like that lol...Random, but i love your new screen name lol. =)