A Joke A Day...

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years" haha that is one of my favorites of the ones you listed snugglez. thanks for the laugh

Those are all so funny. I'm reading them all to my friends! Thanks for brightening my night.

I have such a silly joke my little cousin made up for me..

What is a cats fave food?
A Kitkat.

She's only 5 so i found it sooo cute =D

snugz! Those were so friggen funny!!! *laughs*

Great job hun!!

♥Ciao xx

awe Gemma, that is cute :)

OO!!! i have one. ill give people two days to guess. betcha nobody can get it!!!

What is brown and sticky?

now guess!

omg...these are so funny they took me forever to read but it was so worht it:P....Snugglez your jokes are freakin awsome...they made me laugh so hard thanks to all these jokes my day is just a little bit brighter:) thanks....

"What is brown and sticky?"

A stick =)

i heard this joke awhile ago...i thought it was kinda funny.... i hope you guys will too...

ok so theres this guy in a wheel chair
(he's about 20) and can't really move...
so one day he goes for a stroll on the bordwalk by the beach cause it's so hot...
while he's there he meets this beatiful girl...
they talk for ten minutes
then she says she has to go...
but he says wait...
i've never had a hug before
and i would love to have my first one from such a beatiful girl so...
she says ok and gives him a hug
then the next day...
he goes to the bordwalk again...
and he sees her,they talk for ten minutes...
then she says she has to go
but he says wait...
i've never had a real kiss before
and i would love to have my first one with such a beatiful girl so...
she says ok and gives him a kiss...
the next day he sees her yet again...
they talk for ten minutes
until shes says she has to go...
but then he says wait...
i've never been fucked before...
and i would love to be fucked by such a beatiful girl so...
she says ok...
she pushes him to the end of the bordwalk right into the ocean and calls out now your fucked

o.0....lol

well it made me laugh, and i repeated the last part out loud while giggling...so it was decent o.O

lmfao...the last one was the best....
*sigh*(wipes away a tear of laughter)

That was SOOOOO funny. I was sitting in class when I read this and I about died. I like the first one too!! great jokes!

aw, dangit Gemma!!!

you figured it out.

"what is brown and sticky?"

a stick.

haha STICKy

....lol

Okay, this one I read and OMG it is SO FUNNY! Hahaha. It's titled "A Parents Worst Nightmare"

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay?

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know you expressed tolerence will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and there is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,
Dorothy

This is another really, really funny one.

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

lol...those were good

im a cheap person so im walking into Macys and the Cashier threw me a throwback jersey and as soon as i seen the price i threw that sh!t right back.

lmfao

i mean wow he says more but thats basically the climax =]] tee hee

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

^^ im easily amused

O.o

That was strange........but it was kinda funny. :)

that was a tad odd,but funny

lmfao...wow that last one is so freakin funny... where do you find these,or do you just make most of them up?

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

L M A O !!!!
Camyy

JEEZ...that joke was funny but harsh, the poor guy that did nothing omg that poor man...but it was really funny lmfao

Xx Comedians' Best Lines, 1997 xX

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'

--Larry Miller

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."

--Christopher Case

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."

--Ellen DeGeneres

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'"

--Jake Johansen

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."

--Dick Cavett

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

--A. Whitney Brown

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"

--Jon Stewart

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."

--Jack Mayberry

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."

--Bruce Baum

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."

--Jeff Stilson

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

--Sue Murphy

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."

--Rita Mae Brown

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

--Rita Rudner

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

--Jerry Seinfeld

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

--David Letterman

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."

--Jay Leno

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."

--Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'"

--Jerry Seinfeld

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my....I could be eating a slow learner."

--????

lmfao!

lmfao....
i like this one the best...
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger

xD so,so very funny xD

Knock knock

who's there?

Docter

Doctor who?

yes!!??

Removed

lmfao... millsy your knock knock joke was really funny

""Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

--Jerry Seinfeld"

I liked that one the best, lmao

oh no...it's on the next page...but after i post this it won't be anymore =P...i don't have any jokes on me right now but what about someone eles?

how many dead babies does it take to paint a truck?

**guess, then scroll down

depends how hard you throw them

i know it's horrible, but it's really funny

i love the joke form snugglez...:P made me lugh...hope my grandparents didnt wake up LMAO

lmfao omg that weight loss joke was sooo uber funny...omg i can't breath that was soo freakin funny...

dead baby jokes make me laugh (sad but true)

how do you fit ten baby's into a can?

a blender!
how do you get them out?

Nacho Chips!

How many babys does it take to shingle a roof?

Depends how thin you slice them!

What's better than throwing a baby off a cliff?

Catching it with a pitchfork!

Why do people boil water when a baby is born?

So if it dies, they can make soup!

What's better than 10 dead babys in one garbage can?

1 dead baby in ten garbage can!

i know lots more
some may find those horrendous, upsetting and offensive and im sorry for that
but i was following the "dead baby joke" precedent that was set by melanie

lmfao at the weight loss one!!!

Wow, i never knew this joke thread would be this popular

*does the kiwi dance*

:S those dead baby ones are funny...soem of them are pretty gruesome tho :P

those are some weird messed up jokes