"I've wished before I could teach the world to sing, but I always thought we'd all be out of tune. Now, I realize we're all just singing separate notes to a very minor chord."
wow. very very good line I loved that part. And I loved the ending. The only thing is that in the beginning it kinda gets confusing. I'm not quite positive what is going on and seeing that its a story it takes away from the power of the piece. But nonetheless it was an excellent piece from "I remember those words like you had said them yesterday and maybe it was just yesterday." and on.
Wow, I don't even know what to say in response to this. It was a beautiful, thrilling, heart-wrenching expose and I've never seen anything like it. I was intimidated at first, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to get through it due to lack of visible, poetic structure, but I was wrong each word brought a new perspective and sucked me in deeper. The imagery was a finely tuned machine that kept the poem churning and left me breathless from start to finish. This is probably one of the better poems I've read on this site in a bizarre way and I do believe I will be adding it to my favorites so that I can have a few more looks at it in the not-so-distant future. I really enjoyed:
"You had said this with sadness and sarcasm in your voice. I also remember -- as brightly as the sun is shining now -- you had a glimmer in your eye like you thought I had been judging you."
"<What's giving up if you're already lost?>
And as a quiet after thought:
<Some of us don't mind it, being lost.> "
I thought they were both beautifully crafted. I know you'd like some criticism so here is my two cents: As stated above me a lack of flow will probably turn away some of the unexperienced writers on this site but who cares? not like they ever have anything valuable to add in a comment anyway. The structure, as I stated before, is very unconventional and I don't know if it would be considered a poetic style of structure but I'm not sure. Either way, the structure and the flow didn't take away any enjoyment from me so Bravo.
Wow, very powerful write you have here. It didn't bore me, it kept my attention throughout the whole things. The last lines were intense and really captured emotion for me.
<Some of us don't mind it, being lost.>
That's probably my favorite line because it's sort of spooky but it has this saddened description behind it. Again this write had a lot of well done things. The beginning was good as well. 5/5
I loved the "speaking from the past" concept of the poem, it gave so much more insight.
I really loved your use of almost--edgy sarcasm, and I lvoed this line, "You then narrowed those dangerous eyes as if you were intimidating." Amazing.
My only criticism would have to be that your thoughts seemed to be a little scattered. You went on about tears and then started discussing singing...
it was all a little "unnatached."
Overall, I really did enjoy this poem. It was emotional and heart-wrenching, gripping and beautiful. The metaphor of life to music was fabulous.
Amazing poem, but 4/5 for the "scattered" aspect.
The author and the reader of this dark poem are not distracted by rhyme. By the same token the reader of a dark poem should not be distracted by to much light lest we lose the meaning of the darkness, and we are not guilty of that. I also since a longing in this poem for what once was when darkness was not. You look beautiful.
You could have sang the world I taught you.
But you didn't.
Instead, you wrote lies on your paper, so simple and lined.
And then you sang:
"She puts the bullet right through her head ----
These are my favorite gray areas in this brilliantly executed darkness
9 years ago
by Robie Lincer
Mmm... kay! well it was more like a narator story than a poem! it was bumpy as well...
i liked the idea of how it shows the reader that the writter was happier in the past, and not present...
<What's giving up if you're already lost?>
i liked very well!
coz it describes alot of hurt and pain in just that one line.
but try aranging the poem in a better way, i mean the structure, it would make it easier to read... (not really necessary, but it helps)
the whole thing was really good!
but like i said, its more into story telling than a poem...
This story saddened me. It's hard to see when someone you care for, taught him how's the world spining around and how he should live with you, and than it all pops up as he's telling lies. This story had many imagary scenes which I could see in my head, the metaphores were excellent. This is a very sad story, and I hope it's not a true one. 5/5
Wow. This is an amazing write. I really felt your emotion. The ending blew me away. It's so hard sometimes to realize the true emotions of the writer, especially when linked through two. :) 5/5. You are very talented. :) I can't begin to state it, but I will understate it... probably not very, but more than very. Brilliant? What's in brilliant that can't be defined? Take care.