Comments : Astray

  • 9 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    Astray
    by Krathia

    "Stars of flame
    Descended upon us
    Like gold-eyed demons of a treacherous sun "

    Very nice free verse flow that sets the tone

    "A bloodless moon
    Pale as a dying smile
    Gazed on with a forlorn detachment
    Only a broken promise could know"
    Personification of the moon connects the gold eyed demons to metaphorical emotion

    “Rivers of tears spilt forth
    Onto a barren desert of forgotten dreams
    Drowning echoes of cherished times
    The imagery here further accents the intense emotion reflected by A bloodless moon
    Pale as a dying smile

    Hope was too distant a memory...
    Clarifying the cause or at least an influence of the Rivers of tears spilt forth

    Sundered forevers
    Windswept vows
    The stone that once held
    A heart and two names
    Had been weathered to dust

    Love was too sweet a song...

    The final lines brings some light to the true theme of this very well written free verse poem
    I could ponder on the meaning for days of this inspired masterpiece

  • 9 years ago

    by NyellMoonlight

    Marvelous dark write. I like this piece a lot, especially admire its originality. Very powerful poem.

    First stanza represents fantastic opening, it pulled me deeply into this piece. I especially loved the last line of it, it is so effective and greatly written. The second one is truly superb, it is my favorite one from the piece. There are a lot of people on this site who don't describe enough emotions within dark poetry but that's not the case here- I can even relate to this in a way. Those two lines that you wrote separately from the rest of the poem were amazing and powerful and they created interesting flow. I have just one critique: Maybe you can add some more punctuation signs through the piece to create more powerful rhythm. Other than that, I am in awe. Wonderful write.

  • "Stars of flame
    Descended upon us
    Like gold-eyed demons of a treacherous sun"

    This 1st stanza reminded me of shooting stars coming to earth with the sun blaring behind them.

    "A bloodless moon
    Pale as a dying smile
    Gazed on with a forlorn detachment
    Only a broken promise could know"

    The 2nd stanza was an excellent illustration of a broken promise. Considering I have seen or been on the receiving end of many of them, I could definitely see this.

    "Rivers of tears spilt forth
    Onto a barren desert of forgotten dreams
    Drowning echoes of cherished times"

    Wow the 3rd stanza spoke volumes for my personal feelings as of late. I have felt that my dreams have been forgotten and are drowning.

    Hope was too distant a memory...

    Sundered forevers
    Windswept vows
    The stone that once held
    A heart and two names
    Had been weathered to dust

    Love was too sweet a song...

    Overall, I loved this poem. The ending showed a true many of love and how two people that have loved each other for a life should be laid to rest together. Love is beautiful and should never be taken lightly.

  • 9 years ago

    by Bugg

    Mm, I don't read poems in the dark cat., but this one was good. I loved the ending! It truly showed how much people love each other, even in death. Dunno if I worded that right, but hopefully you'll get what I mean! lol Good job, I'll give it a 5.

  • 9 years ago

    by ALEX

    "Sundered forevers
    Windswept vows
    The stone that once held
    A heart and two names
    Had been weathered to dust

    Love was too sweet a song... "

    This was what brought your meaning together for me. The beginning, I wasn't really sure, although I liked the words' music.
    Especially the last line, because it's so honest, saying that the promise of love can be more alluring than love itself.

    "A bloodless moon
    Pale as a dying smile
    Gazed on with a forlorn detachment
    Only a broken promise could know"

    I liked this part a lot, because of the pictures in invoked.

  • 9 years ago

    by NinjaGirl

    A breathtaking and poignant piece. it has left me speechless.

    Rivers of tears spilt forth
    Onto a barren desert of forgotten dreams
    Drowning echoes of cherished times
    ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
    this is my favourite stanza. why? the description in it was so amazing.

    Sundered forevers
    Windswept vows
    The stone that once held
    A heart and two names
    Had been weathered to dust
    ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
    and this stanza left vivid images in my mind. it touched me deeply.

    a wonderful write

    5/5

    Keep Writing, hun
    As Always,
    ~NinjaGirl~

  • Wow this poem spoke volumes to me. It spoke about broken promises, forgotten dreams, and about how love is so wonderful and should not be taken lightly. Keep up the good work!

  • 9 years ago

    by Robert Anthony

    Yea it was nice...great job!

  • 9 years ago

    by Lori

    Awww..i like this one..short and simple! Very beautiful too! Good job!

  • 9 years ago

    by Sourav

    The start and end both are very good. It's very gripping. It's a very touchy piece. Liked it!