Comments : Poem of Tears

  • 9 years ago

    by Jessica

    :/

    this makes me sad. i'm sorry if you're going through something like this. there is nothing more painful than being lied to and putting your trust in someone that then shoves it back in your face. people can be cruel, but not everyone is. just have to be careful with who you trust, and take a good look inside people before you share any part of yourself with them. great poem, 5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by Paiger

    Wow, amazing emotion :) well writen :)

  • 9 years ago

    by i care about him

    Wow... that made my eyes water. It was like that poem was speaking to me. Great job. This poems one of my favs :) 5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by Jessie

    Incredible, you say your only 14? holy shit.... I loved i loved "crying by day, dying by night." it has such powerful emotion

  • 9 years ago

    by rebeccasarah

    "The evil people lie.
    To get loved from the start
    The good people lie.
    So they dont break a heart.

    If you start love with a lie.
    Then what will be true.
    The tears they will cry.
    Or the pain caused by you."

    by favorite part by far.
    so powerful.
    great job, keep writing :)

  • 9 years ago

    by Dominique

    Wow that was good...i feel that pain...good job

  • Overall it was kick ass, but it would be more so kick ass if you work on these more in the future:

    -Punctuation: As I was reading it, I noticed you used punctuation, but it was done incorrectly, which makes it sort of funky to look at. To me, punctuation is like the frame for a picture. The poem could be awesome, but why put it in a nasty frame? It just makes it look better if the frame is all perfect and compliments the poem itself. No distraction, it just blends in nicely. :] Get me?

    Well here are a few examples:

    On this poem
    I write the tears.
    Which go unspoken.
    For so many years.

    Now read it as a sentence,

    On this poem I write the tears. Which go unspoken. For so many years.

    That's all one sentence, no need to break it up with periods everywhere. :] If you'd like to have a pause simply use a coma. ^_^

    Other than that, fifth stanza down, the word your. You mean you're. :] There's a difference and there's a very easy way to check! :D You're is short for you are. Your refers to posession. So instead of abreiviating, first say what the whole thing would be, then change it to the shorter version. :]

    Then I think I noticed a few spots where you'd use a question mark for punctuation instead of a period, but I'll let you find those. ^_^

    -The other thing that's sort of odd is how the scheme changes.

    It goes from,

    A
    B
    C
    B

    Then it changes later on in the poem to,

    A
    A
    B
    C

    And even

    A
    B
    CC

    Other than that it's a fine example of freestyle. :] It's just repetition makes the rhythem flow nicely and it adds a little structure which doesn't confuse the reader. :] Get me?

    This was an amazing poem else wise, I usually give low ratings to poems that have too many errors and flow problems, but the way you did it, I mean wow. You took something I would normally hate, and worded it into a way where I can't give it less than a four...I may still even give it a five. <_< Bravo. I've never had to have so much contrast with my vote, and critiques, it's truly a wonder. :]

    Five out of five.

  • 9 years ago

    by Sweet lig

    Wow that was really wonderful. i love those rhyming words it really enjoyed reading it. great words and imagery.. 5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by Perfection

    Very cool. I like how you dont rhyme same always... Some might find that as a bad thing but to me it gives it a relaxing feeling. It was easy to read and understand. Flowed very well.

    Dont know what more to tell ya

    Good job =)

  • 9 years ago

    by eNiGmAtIc pReY

    I is really quite ummm...painful..i can feel the emotions you want to convey..Th flow is great and your style is kinda unique...

    great job..

  • 9 years ago

    by Dark Savior

    I gave it a five and truly did appreciate some of the metaphores that you used. I coul be picky and say this or that. Truly I wouldn't be very nice of a person.

    I loved the poem and it is your best one. It showed emotion and the metaphores that you used were truly insiring.

    5/5

    Awesome job.

  • Wow...it takes a lot for me to add a poem to my favorites but you have done just that.Mainly because I can relate to this poem 100%.But some words don't need to be capitalized,some words are spelled wrong, minor grammar errors.But 5/5 for sure!

  • 9 years ago

    by lost in lovee

    Wow. this was really amazinqq!
    ii really felt the emotion.
    the rhymeinq was qood. it was off a little bit at certain spotsz tho.
    dha point really came across ta me and if ii woulda read dis before it woulda helped me alot.
    5/5

    -antoniaaa*

  • 9 years ago

    by Kimberley

    Omg i almost peed myself! pardon the rude language but that was.... aweaome. it was just so... amazing. 100/5!!! ^__^ ~KM~

  • Wonderful!Brilliant!I loved the closing.I saw some simple spelling mistakes and grammar choice,but this poem was really great.Simply beautiful!5/5

    -Amber

  • 8 years ago

    by Spirit

    Ok this is me being nit-picky again. now please don't take this the wrong way. I wanted to make some subtle changes, (if i ruin it forgive me) that would improve the poems beat/flow/rythem/what-ever that might help you in the long run. here try this.

    In this poem
    I write the tears.
    that went unspoken
    For many years.

    The Selfish lies.
    Of love from the start
    The Selfless lie.
    that can't break a heart.

    start love with a lie.
    what will be true.
    The tears that they cry.
    Or the pain caused by you.

    Verse by Verse,
    The End comes near
    This poem's a curse,
    Which shows only fear.

    Now your forced,
    To live a Fight.
    Crying by day,
    Dying by Night.

    Then finaly you
    Pass off to sleep,
    Dreading the bell,
    another day of hell.

    Ryhme by ryhme,
    Line by line.
    still I managed
    To keep track of time.

    Beat by beat,
    Cheat by cheat.
    people keep lying
    I keep Writting.

    here we lay
    Ten miles apart.
    One, smiling.
    The other, a broken heart.

    He is thinking,
    "No more fights."
    she is finishing,
    Her Life.

    As this poem
    now ends.
    Can you
    comprehend?

    That Love is a life,
    best left unlived

    *If you hate it you have full premission to ignore any/all of my suggestions.
    Thanks for the read anyway it was powerful

  • 8 years ago

    by Spirit

    *Ok then, I'm going to be nit-picky again. I have changed your poem around a bit to give your poem a beat/flow/rythem/what-ever. I hope your not to mad and it you are. then you can ignore this message.

    in this poem
    I write the tears.
    left unspoken.
    For many years.

    The Selfish lies.
    to love from the start
    The Selfless lie.
    that won't break a heart.

    start love with a lie?
    what will be true?
    The tears that they cry?
    Or the pain caused by you?

    Verse by Verse,
    The End comes near
    This poem's a curse,
    Which shows only fear.

    Now forced,
    To live a Fight,
    Crying by day,
    Dying by Night.

    you finaly,
    Pass off to sleep,
    Dreading the bell,
    another day of hell.

    Ryhme by ryhme,
    Line by line.
    still I manage
    To keep track of time.

    Beat by beat,
    Cheat by cheat.
    people keep lying
    I keep Writting.

    here we lay
    Ten miles apart.
    One, smiling.
    the other, a broken heart.

    He is thinking,
    "No more fights."
    she is finishing,
    Her Life

    As this poem
    ends
    can you
    comprehend?

    Love is a life,
    best left unlived,

    *Again I'm sorry If i have completly destoryed your poem/song in anyway. And feel free to ignore any/all changes that I have made.

    **P.S. Thank you for the read it was inspiring.

  • 8 years ago

    by AngelicDecadence

    Okay. I liked this, but I want to let you know there are many spelling errors and the way it was written forces the reader, or it did to me, to read this three times before truly being able to read it. I can critique you on some of it, but most of it is simply poor grammar.

    First of all, you have WAY too many periods. The way this is written is like each stanza is a sentence, and if thats so, you cannot have a period after each line. You should either: 1. Put commas after each line and put a period at the end of the last line in each stanza, or 2. Don't put anything at the end of the lines, and just have a period at the end of each stanza. Someone else said on here that you don't need all the periods, and that just a comma would suffice, thats true. You should change that, it would help the flow more than you could believe.

    As for most of the spelling problems, I'll show you those.
    The second stanza, last line, "Dont" should be "Don't" or "Do not"
    The 6th stanza, first line, "finaly" is correctly spelled "finally"
    On the 7th stanza, first line, you incorrectly spelled "Rhyme" Wrong. You spelt it like "ryhme".
    The 8th stanza, last line, "Writting" should be "Writing"
    And on the last stanza, (if you can call that a stanza) "Thats" should be "That's"

    Now. As for your last stanza, what is that? It doesn't make sense to me, because in the rest of the poems, you have 4 lines, and they end in a period, yours ends at 2 lines, and has a comma. To me it feels like somethings missing.

  • 8 years ago

    by AngelicDecadence

    Sorry, I accidentally submitted it before i was finished, I just wanted to say if you DO fix those, it is a great poem, but the fact of all the errors.. it depletes the significance of it to the point that i did not enjoy reading it as much as i would have. I would give you a 5/5, but i have to give you a 4/5 because of the grammar problems, though you are a talented writer.
    4/5

  • 8 years ago

    by Jenni Marie

    "On this poem
    I write the tears.
    Which go unspoken.
    For so many years"

    ^^ I love these opening lines, and how you mentioed you were writing tears, very original and instantly pulled me into the piece.

    "The Selfish lie.
    To get loved from the start
    The Selfless lie.
    So they dont break a heart.

    If you start love with a lie.
    Then what will be true.
    The tears they will cry.
    Or the pain caused by you"

    ^^ I'm finding that this is getting better as I go along, I like these two stanzas simply because they raises so many thought provoking questions for me as the reader,

    "Now your forced,
    To live in a Fight.
    Crying by day,
    Dying by Night"

    ^^ I'm not to sure on this stanza...only because so many people have used a similar line or quote in their work, about dying at night that it comes across as somewhat cliche. Maybe try changing the words round or redoing the stanza?

    "Then you finaly,
    Pass off into sleep,
    Dreading the bell,
    To start another day of hell"

    ^^ Finaly-finally
    I found the flow to be of in this stanza on the last line, maybe get rid of "to start" it just seems to flow better that way.

    "Ryhme by ryhme,
    Line by line.
    I still manage
    To keep track of time.

    Beat by beat,
    Cheat by cheat.
    The people keep lying
    So I will keep Writting"

    ^^ I liked these stanzas except for the fact thhe rhyme scheme suddenly changes from abab to aabb, that threw me of a little.

    I absolutely love the closing lines, I find them to be very hardhitting, something that will definitely stay with the reader for a while.

    On the whole, I enjoyed this.