Death of a Gentleman

by Lonely Little Dreamer   Nov 18, 2008


Vision-less by the mirage of pure bliss,
What lies between us, a forgery painted by your hands.
Once tickled solely by your touches,
Now shared with tainted flesh.

Restless, I am lost upon the mattress of games.
Deluded into thinking your love I had obtained,
Instead it is me who has been played,
A subservient lover within your harlot masquerade.

Pompous and poised in the public eye,
A maniacal fiend in the blackest of nights.
Raping the life force deep within me,
Until satisfaction was found by the sight of my hollow shell.

Sadly you mistook me as frail and weak
For chivalry is dead, his heart I now keep.
No longer bound to your bed of servitude,
Finally free to find true love anew.

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Latest Comments

  • 15 years ago

    by Dark Savior

    I liked the poem and enjoyed that you described something rather than just using an adjective to explain it.

    The poem did however suffer from flow problems up and down the poem. It was really a good poem, but could have benefited if you watched the length of some of the sentences in comparison to the other ones.

    I can't think of anything else that I would improve on this poem it was very well done, I enjoyed the read.

    5/5

  • 15 years ago

    by Twisted Mind Broken Soul

    Your Word Flow was written extremely well, you did a very nice job. It has plenty of emotions that were very strong, I believe anyone who reads this can tell what you were feeling. I love everything about it

    I gave you a 5/5

  • 15 years ago

    by Brittany C

    The emotions were great and so was the wording. I really liked this poem. Everything about it was good. I gave it a 5/5.

  • 15 years ago

    by Teria

    This is an amazing poem with GREAT emotion. You've portrayed emotions and visions so elegantly with this piece. I do however believe that some parts are off dealing with the flow. It's a great piece of work, just a few tiny tweaks to make it perfect.

    Visonless by the mirage of pure bliss,
    What lies between us, a forgery painted by your hands.
    Once tickled solely by your touches,
    Now shared with tainted flesh.

    [Vision-less by the mirage of pure bliss,
    what lies between us, a forgery painted by your hands.
    Once tickled solely by your touches
    Now shared with tainted flesh]

    Comments: With this stanza, I probably didn't have to re-type it all but I did. The first line was the only change I made. To be exact, first line first word. Now, I believe that's what you're meaning [vision] but I could be wrong. Knowing, however that vison=mink then it kind of throws me off. I could be wrong though and you may actually mean that.
    - - - -
    Restless, I am lost upon the mattress of games.
    Deluded into thinking your love I had obtained,
    Instead it was me who has been played,
    A subservient lover within your harlot masquerade.

    [Restless, I am lost upon this mattress of games,
    Deluded into thinking your love I have obtained,
    Instead it is me who has been played,
    A subservient lover within your harlot masquerade]

    Comments: The changes I made have to do with the first line. However, if you want it past tense you could make the first line say " Restless, I was lost upon a mattress of games". However, I think the other way sounds just a bit more emotional.
    - - - -
    Pompous and poised in the public eye,
    A manical fiend in the blackest of nights.
    Raping the life force deep within me,
    Until satisfaction was found by the sight of my hollow shell.

    [Pompous and poised in the public eye,
    A maniacal fiend in the blackest of nights.
    Raping the life force deep within me,
    while satisfaction is found by my hollow shell.]

    Comments: You'd misspelled maniacal and there were a few things, like the last line that I believed needed changed for the flows sake. The third line was a bit off to me. I thought it just needed something more. But, it's fine that way.
    - - - -
    Sadly you mistook me as frail and weak
    For chivalry is dead, his heart I now keep.
    No longer bound to your bed of servitude,
    Finally free to find true love anew.

    [Sadly you mistook me as frail and weak.
    For chivalry is dead, his heart I have kept.
    No longer bound to your bed of servitude,
    Finally free to find true love anew.]

    Comments: I love the last line. I didn't like the whole "bed of servitude" I think that other than bed, you could come up with something better and more powerful. It's kind of a weak word in that line. Other than that it's an amazing finish. I did change "i now keep" to " i have kept" it just flows better.

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