Happy... but for how long?

by Dawn   Apr 26, 2010

Alright so this really isn't a poem, but I've been working on some really good ones for this situation.. I was hoping maybe some of you have some insight, or can relate.

I'm in love... God, I'm hopelessly in love.
The background story: I met him when I was 5 through a team sport we were involved in, though we didn't see much of each other since he is seven years older than I am. Thirteen years later I run into him at the grocery store and we say a couple words (hey, how's it going, whats new, etc.). later that day he adds me on crackbook and we catch up some more. I started out with being dead set against not liking him or being anything more than friends with him... but that didn't work out so well. I was doing schooling in another province at the time so i didn't see him again for another couple months, but the next time I did, I was soooo sick! I had a fever, cough, stuffy nose, overall not well. He invited me over for a movie and I ended up passing out in his arms. BUT! we didn't do anything, nor did he try anything! I'm fairly certain this is where I really fell for him, but I wouldn't admit it for another year (love is a big deal, you can't just go around falling after a week!)
I went back to school after that and we spent everyday talking about anything and everything... I had a goofy smile whenever I got a text from him... my voice got a little higher when I talked to him... my eyes even lit up when he was mentioned.
Three months later I arrived back home... April 10... The last day I was truly happy...
I thought everything was going to be perfect, we were going to be so happy together... but it didn't last long. Even while I had been at school he had mentioned how he went through long distance relationships before and they never worked out for him and how he was ready to settle down right now, but I still had three years of school left. Finally it got too much and he made his decision... he said he felt ashamed at how much of a coward he was for not trying to make it work with me, but it was his final answer, nothing was going to change his mind.
So we tried to do the friend thing... and that worked, for a short period of time. It was really hard for me to see him though, it just.... hurt.
Then something horrible happened... my best friend at the time started to date him. I was crushed... so badly. Though it only lasted a month, she had betrayed me, after I'd asked her not to go for him (and she promised that she wouldn't), she did it anyway. However after they broke up he was crushed and called me. He said he missed being my friend and talking to me and hopefully we could still be friends. So I hung out with him one night while he vented about her. Later that night... we ended up making out and I even stayed over... I felt bad and slightly used, but hey she did it to me. Sadly, they ended up getting back together the next month and he told me that he really loved her... I told them both that I wished them well, but I couldn't be their friends, it was just too much to take.
I thought that was going to be it for him and I, but low and behold not a month later his number appears on my phone. She had broken up with him. He was crying and he didn't know what else to do. All his other friends hated her and had told him not to get back with her in the first place, but he couldn't deny his heart, so he hoped that I would still talk to him. He had said that even though he knew I was the last person he should be talking to about this, he knew I would listen and really needed a friend.
I went home the next month after they'd broken up and ended up spending most of my nights with him again. It came to the point where I had to let him know that I was still very much into him and that I had to know he wasn't just using me since that was how it felt. He said, how all his reasons for not being with me were still valid, he was still in love with his ex, but that I should never doubt how much he really does like me. For a while, this was good enough for me.
But then I needed more...
He was still dating other people while I was in school, and even when I went home for a break he would go out then pick me up after and bring me home with him. At first I thought this is all I could ask for, but after talking with a few of my friends and them seeing how crazy i was going I knew I had to talk to him again. I got very frustrated one night and told him I was through with this stupid bullshit. He was suppose to be coming to stay with me for a couple days the next week but he had decided to stay with another friend instead and not see me at all (leading me to be very frustrated). After I'd cooled down he finally called me to sort things out. He realized that I'd reached a breaking point and something had to be done. He thought the only option was to stop seeing each other though he was all for finding a different way. So I said that I understood that he wanted to date and such, but at least while I'm there if he could just be with me, that way i didn't feel so much as a nightly stand. He agreed, and also told me that I mean a lot to him, much more than just a nightly lay. When he arrived here, we had the BIG talk face to face about our feelings and what he were going to do for the summer, etc.
Since then we've been fine. I haven't been going crazy, he hasn't really seen anyone else, when I'm home we spend almost all our time together, we hang out with his parents and my parents, we can talk for hours and hours without any pauses, we sleep in the same bed pretty much every night (unless he's working nights), but we don't always have to have sex.... its just amazing :)
But for how long?
I promise I'm not living in this fantasy world where one day he'll wake up and realize how perfect we are and how we should be together. His initial reasons for not being with me are still relevant. I'm currently living in two places, still have two years left of school, and he has completely cut himself off from having any kind of long distance relationship.
I know the day will come when he meets someone else and our little arrangement will end... and I know on that day I will go crazy, it'll kill a big part of me, or at least numb me for a LONG time... but you know what? right now I'm in love and he's an amazing person! He cooks for me, does my laundry, keeps me warm at night, takes care of me when I'm sick, knows all the right places to touch ( ;) ), he makes me laugh and feel safe... he's the most amazing person I've met in a while and I don't want to let that go.
But is this feeling I have now... will it be worth the pain to come?


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