Comments : Marionette

  • 7 years ago

    by Rania Moallem

    I refuse to add more to what brity has already said..But seriously ?
    this is one of the most effecting poems that I have read!

    Very strong, very effecting, the lines REALLY leave a strange amazing goosebumpsic impact!

    the word choice was perfect and the usage was juust even more and more excellent,
    I love the style and the form, I love big lines, and yours been REALLY rich.

    5/5never stop writing

  • 7 years ago

    by Jessie

    I love it, you stepped out of the box of most of the poems I have read on this site. I can visualize the puppet, with a figure hanging over her:) It's one of the poems that everyone interprets differently, and I love the way it turned out it my mind.

    "As he torments the puppet, she is surround by his laughter.
    Out of her stitched mouth escapes a quiet whimper.
    (Despair)"

    Incredibly powerful

  • 7 years ago

    by Darien

    "Hollow eyes stare out from the inside of a mirror.
    They focus...recognizing this familiar stranger.
    (Aware)"

    You should avoid using the word 'the' when it is not needed. Take out 'the' and 'of' in the first line, and it will flow better.

    "Fingers caress her mind, the eyes start to dimmer.
    With a jerk of the strings he becomes her master.
    (Ensnare)"

    Again, 'the' strings. Not needed.

    "He commands her emotions, her will, her figure.
    He is the controller and she is merely the player.
    (Unfair)"

    If you'd like, switch out the last 'the' with 'a'. 'She is merely a player'.

    "As he torments the puppet, she is surround by his laughter.
    Out of her stitched mouth escapes a quiet whimper.
    (Despair)"

    This verse is a bit tricky, you could leave it as it is, or you could change it up a little.
    'As he torments his puppet, she is surrounded his laughter' (I like adding the word 'his' in there, because it shows ownership)

    Overall, this was a really well thought out poem. Not really much of a consistent rhyme scheme aside from the 'verse titles'. In my opinion I think you should avoid using unnecessary words that ruin the flow of your poem. This is a very interesting poem, it could be related to a lot of scenarios many women face. I'm not sure if you were trying to get that message through, but that is what I'm getting from the poem. Good job on this one, keep up the good work.

  • 7 years ago

    by Cyber Saiyan

    The first line really caught my attention. I like that you used the reflection of the image in the mirror instead of the played out "I look out with hallow eyes". I like that you implied that, but found a different way to say it, without actaully saying it.

    I also liked the "fingers caress her mind" line. While this should hopefully never actually happen, the image that is painted is very spooky. I also like the next line, as it shows he has completed power over her.

    At this point, I started to notice the end words for each line KINDA rhyme but dont really rhyme. The ending syllables rhyme, but the words themselves dont rhyme. Whether this was intention or not, i really liked it.

    I thought that there could have been another stanza or two could help to move the storyline along a little more between stanza 5 and 6. There was a gap in the story here; in 5 he was just starting to tourture the puppet, then in 6 he is done. A little more story here would help to fill the gap.

    Again, around stanza 8, i was left a little empty when the savior was never identified, or even addressed as a person, an angel, a thought, etc. If you name some type of figure then the reader can paint their won conclusion as to who / what the savior was, but the way it is currently written, it seems that a dagger just appears out of no where and cuts her free.

    I liked the final stanza of the poem. Like a ending to a movie, it left that little haunting feeling that it was not over, but you never indicated whether it was or not.

    Overall, i liked the poem, but felt that it needed a little bit more descriptions. I would suggest removing the HIS / HER and HE / SHE words, as it seems to personal and that it relates directly to you. Maybe use ITS or MASTER or PUPPET more often, the same meaning would come across, but it would be less personal.

  • 7 years ago

    by mckenzie

    A neat, well put together piece.

    it gives a true and haunting reflection to the experience of 'being used'

    (Aware) (Ensnare) (Impair) (Unfair) (Despair) (Repair) (Prayer) (Dare) (Beware)

    the ending words also give a flow to the story... so its effective to have 'beware' at the end. it leaves an impression on the reader's mind.

    'familiar stranger' nice use of the oxymoron here.

    thanks for sharing...

  • 6 years ago

    by mistressxsork

    I'd have to agree with the above post, the ending words add a special touch to this poem. A very good job with this one, I adored it.

    -Jennifer.
    Overall Rating 5/5

  • 6 years ago

    by DirgeVenustas

    This was beautifully written. is it about rape. thats the way it seems however. your style is unique and very good flow. you painted a full picture in my mind. great job

  • 6 years ago

    by Randy East

    Very very cool, I really dug how you based each Stanza off a word. the entire write made perfect sense to me. Which I don't know why... but I find rare on poems sites. Of course that's typical of poetry, a lot of em, just don't make sense. Yours was a fun read that really made me "feel" for the character. Thank you

  • 6 years ago

    by Siglawoo

    And i wonder why such a piece of art is low rated....

    * With a jerk of the strings he becomes her master *

    my favorite line.

    it is wonderful

  • 6 years ago

    by Ruby Red Memories

    A huanting wite that was very deep and creepy. I liked how you kept the flow going throughout the poem and how you kept the reader interested

    5/5

  • 6 years ago

    by DirgeVenustas

    I think this is my favorite poem ever. this was amazing. the way you put in to words being controlled. how vindictive it is to control someone. this was amazing from start to finish

  • 6 years ago

    by Cupids Got A Gun

    Wow. this poem says alot, the structure was great, the description was great and it really showed alot about you and your stly as a write. i deffinetely enjoyed reading this and i think its very good how descriptive and expressive you are. great poem. 5/5

  • 6 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    Ilove the original formatting of this poem that delivered deep dark feelings with much skill

    I lik eyour style

  • 6 years ago

    by Decayed

    The poem's tempo is captivating!

    Very descriptive and the atmosphere was very gloomy..

    I liked the topic so much (Marionettes)!!

    and these words between (...) give depth to this piece.

    AWESOME ONE!!
    5/5