Comments : Within Me.

  • 7 years ago

    by Blissful

    "but rather within future -
    is where it lies;"
    ^I'm confused here. Maybe the wording is a bit off but I stumble to find your meaning.

    "Yet oblivion always seemed to tussle
    my thoughts
    as mind overrode heart"
    ^Loved this, favorite part of the poem. Your use of "tussle" was exquisite and I wanted to read it over and over..

    "always hold onto that dream,
    never let it flee from your grasp
    yet do not cling to it for life."
    ^Very true and the last line hit me hard. We must always believe in our dreams and hold them close to our souls but never make it our soul reason to live. Nicely said.

    "ripened yet
    edible. "
    ^I'm not sure I understand the thought behind this. Isn't something that's ripe an indicator that it's edible?

    Overall this was really good and kept me interested.

  • 7 years ago

    by Yakari Gabriel

    Or love's tragedy has departed
    on a bittersweet note
    yet one of content
    as the search for survival ends,

    ^
    That's my favorite part...such a little stanza..but so much hope...
    I like how its so positive.... The whole poem is...
    The first stanza was lovely..I pictured someone in my head just walking aimlessly on the streets..kicking cans.. O.o hahah...
    Everything was so well described.... :) ...fantastic write... Mwa!

  • 7 years ago

    by Jad

    First off, "Within Me" is a wonderful title for this poem as I find that you are finding this strength inside yourself an you are willing to move forward. I loved the message and it really hit me as well in a emotional way. You did a great job with the imagery in this piece and I was taken away with how I could visualize things in my head as I read. Your poems flow was really good and it kept up a good pace throughout the poem making it easy to read.

    "For once -
    I no longer loiter sidewalks
    of hopelessness
    around endless circles;
    nor starve for happiness
    among scraps of pottery
    but rather within future -
    is where it lies;"

    This is by far my favorite stanza and it's strength is really good. It's good to have a really good opening to grab the readers attention, which you do very well with this first stanza. The rest of your stanzas went right along with this one making the message really clear and easy to understand.

    All in all, you are getting better in each poem with your word choice, emotions, message, and also deepness in which your lines speak your heart. This poem reminds me that it is always possible to move on and that I shouldn't be looking for a future in the past or present but in the future. Anyway, I think you get my point of how you are maturing as a poet and even person. Great job and keep writing.

  • 7 years ago

    by Dixiedaisy

    I love the way this poem leaves you with a refreshing sense of accomplishment. It is very inspirational to me, as I am sure it is others. I loved the insertion of "scraps of pottery". That one line for me was a drawing point, that the author intended to be who they are for themselves and no one else. Awesome write, and it is quite lovely to see you growing. If there were an award on here for most improved poet you would surely get my vote.

  • 7 years ago

    by Rania Moallem

    Congrats and sorry for the late feedback;
    this is amazinggggggggggggggg, this is breathtaking, I just love it so much :).

    This was very sad though, and narrated in a very enjoyable way, but that's wat i love in poems,
    a poem with a very strong opening and a good ending, the one stanza that i was not fond of was the one before the last, had a different tone, or just not as the rest of the poem...

    nor starve for happiness
    among scraps of pottery
    ^^^
    this line in particular spoke a lot for me, and i love the words u used here, pretty new :) well done

    five sureeeee

  • 7 years ago

    by PinkyPrincess

    Wow... I'm speechless... This poem is so beautifully written... I LOVED the meaning of it... and I think the wording you chose is perfect for this poem... the flow and everything about it is so nicely done... Congratulations on the win! You deserve it :) Amazing poem! Great job =D

  • 7 years ago

    by Poet Keen

    Follow your heart,
    never give up while accepting what is

    I like this line ...

  • 7 years ago

    by Marvellous

    It's ALL been said. I appreciate the maturity of the wit. Thank You.

  • 7 years ago

    by Roses and lilys

    I really enjoyed reading this poem. It easy to understand. The wording was great and it had a nice flow to it. There is nothing I can think of to change.

    5/5

  • 6 years ago

    by Lauren denbow

    Thats really good amzingly written

  • 5 years ago

    by ThebutterfliesMuse

    Woah. Thats is all I can say.

    I love how you started out this poem. You are no longer sad which is amazing and you found something that makes you very happy. You can always find happinesswithin yourself no matter what. The future can always make you happy but the past can be a very haunting place. Love can be ddifficult to lose and find. It truly is bitter sweet and sometimes its better to let go indeed. Everything you truly need is always inside you! Inside your heart and soul.

    As I said depression or oblivion always lingers and attacks when you least expect it! I love the way you wrote this. You are right though it can be learned from and life can be learned from no matter what we go through.

    My favorite stanza by far is the one in quotes because we all have to accept of what is. We do have to follow our heart yet be cautious that is why life is difficult. I love the way you worded this because we have to follow our dreams yet we must be able to let go!.

    The ending os short and very sweet. You ended on a high note talking about your dreams. Overall this poem has a very strong message to follow your heart and own path no matter what. Your words are beautiful. I see no flaws. I love the way you write! 5