Comments : Waiting (Collab)

  • 7 years ago

    by Rania Moallem

    My pleasure my pleasure, I love this poem so much, especially that we both relate.
    Thanks for the idea of having 2 voices, felt much more comf.

    for all the verses u came up with

  • 7 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Ohhh you did a collab! I am proud of you both :) I haven't done one in ages! This is so beautiful and you two work wonders together writing :)

    "I deport time over again,
    as I journey with the ticks
    of the clock around the world,
    inquiring when will your sun sneak
    beyond these hills."

    The wording was quite powerful here. The use of "deport" gave that sense of time a stronger meaning....beautiful flow and I admire the order of these words "inquiring when will your sun sneak beyond these hills." The idea of a sun sneaking to rise up in the air is quite enchanting.

    "(With each day, I count the seconds
    till I no longer hear them ticking by,
    beckoning for time to push its wheels,
    to restrain this infinite journey.)"

    Full. I just had this ultimate presence while reading this, that there is an abundance and I do not feel empty. A pushing emotion...that sometimes we pay so close attention to a clock we may not even hear the hands, but we wish with everything to go forward.....So expressively written, this journey cannot wait, this eternity united!

    "A loner, I shed my longings to
    assemble these beats dying
    to rest upon the maps featured
    on your palms...
    to repaint my solitude."

    Great place of those first two words...the usage of "shed" was clever here too because I normally wouldn't put it side by side with a human desire or yearning. ..this was probably the most breathtaking stanza. I felt it was a bit of a mouthful to read, like an extra pause could have been naturally added but just my opinion. Last line was striking, some hidden meaning...Like for so long you have relied on your lover's wishes and direction, but you are looking for a new voice of your own.

    "(Littered with debris of broken hearts,
    I seized each and every byway
    hunting your warm caress...
    to vanquish my loneliness.)"

    "littered" seemed such a careless word for this piece, not sure if I liked it that much but "debris of broken hearts" had a haunting presence of its own.

    I liked this kind of quest here- it seemed hungry and thirsty, like you were "hunting"strong word there for more than just an can't live just with yourself.

    "For I am tired from missing you,
    come ease the madness of these
    sentiments, before like these
    fleeing minutes,
    I too befall into an illusion."

    I love how you tied that simple idea of missing someone, so deep yet understood, with the idea of being emotionally tired. For too long...

    I felt there was too much "eeseee" like the "these" was un-needed the second time. Last line was powerful, it was unique in its own twist and requires thought. you could have easily said "before I become an illusion or believe an illusion", but befall into an illusion? Even greater thought.
    The perspective was seriously striking and you weaved depth/creativity into a piece that had a strange sense of individualism and attitude.

    Good work you two, thanks for sharing!
    Many happy days to come!

  • 7 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    This is a beautiful masterpiece, and how could two of my favorite poets not please me?

  • 6 years ago

    by Burning Angel

    This is good. i liked reading it :D