Allow me to say, that in this poem, the 1st thought that came to mind when i first read the title, was that it's over used, but you've blown my mind with the way you've described it here jane, such a creative poet
and even though the content of the poem is overall sad, it brought a smile on my face for the way it spoke to me, brillant
5/5 and a an epic read! no doubt!
i'd tottaly nominate this if i could
7 years ago
This is wonderful! It is beautiful, and memorable. You describe the truth. Your choice of words is fantastic. It has a flow that is extremely nice for the tone of the piece. 5/5 from me
I have to admit that when I first started to read this, I became a bit impatient. The first three lines were unique but they felt distant, as I couldn't really feel your frustration here, since it reads a bit monotone. Then came the fourth line, and I could feel you building up your pace; portraying your despair. I also noticed myself pronouncing the b-sounds much harsher than those in the first three lines, perhaps because the second half of this stanza is read in one breath. I really liked the way you gradually speed up your rhythm.
Nice to see some variety here. It's just one image, but powerful nonetheless. For some reason I felt like this part was sadder than the previous one. I could imagine you trying to gather all the shards that's left of your relationship(?), while your arms can barely bear them. Yet you strive on.
Something I noticed about this stanza compared to the first one, is that they have the same structure, but the similes are different. The first stanza's similes served for visualization but I felt like the third stanza's similes were much deeper. Each line juxtaposed two things that don't seem to fit well together, but since they contrast so much it is very powerful. (Small versus giant; freedom versus prisoner.) It's as if you're feeling contradictory in your relationship. I'm not sure whether this is correct but I found these lines to be very enjoyable.
The fifth line had too many "and's" for my taste, not because it's a "filler", but because you're going back to your monotone grocery list. I think things will be more impacting if you replaced the second "and" for a verb, so there's some sort of movement within this piece. Something like "beaten and bruised, lacking a friend in the world". I know "lacking" is a weak verb but I hope you understand what I mean by this when you read it out loud and compare it to what you have now. :)
I certainly didn't expect something so direct, as the previous stanzas seemed like random images to support your state of hopelessness, but this stanza literally described your state. I liked this unexpected ending. You're even rhyming a bit, perhaps that's why it doesn't really sound awkward, as the lines sound too melodious to be disturbed by.
Anyway, this was an outstanding write. Not only its imagery but also its technique. It just shows how simple words and the right tone can outshine extravagant words anytime.
It's refreshing to read poems with repetitions such as this because it's not in every poem that you get to read these days. Not only the repetitions were good additions to the poem but at the same time added a lot to the flow.
Another fantastic poet who always adopts different styles. Bravo!
6 years ago
Ah but "Je ne regrette rien". Alexander the Great is reputed to have said "When a feared thing is inevitable it should no longer be feared". There should never be a hopelessness. I like very much your imagery.