Comments : Hopelessness

  • 6 years ago

    by RSJ

    Allow me to say, that in this poem, the 1st thought that came to mind when i first read the title, was that it's over used, but you've blown my mind with the way you've described it here jane, such a creative poet
    and even though the content of the poem is overall sad, it brought a smile on my face for the way it spoke to me, brillant
    5/5 and a an epic read! no doubt!
    i'd tottaly nominate this if i could
    cheers

  • 6 years ago

    by BlueJay

    This is wonderful! It is beautiful, and memorable. You describe the truth. Your choice of words is fantastic. It has a flow that is extremely nice for the tone of the piece. 5/5 from me

  • 6 years ago

    by Saerelune

    'First stanza:
    I have to admit that when I first started to read this, I became a bit impatient. The first three lines were unique but they felt distant, as I couldn't really feel your frustration here, since it reads a bit monotone. Then came the fourth line, and I could feel you building up your pace; portraying your despair. I also noticed myself pronouncing the b-sounds much harsher than those in the first three lines, perhaps because the second half of this stanza is read in one breath. I really liked the way you gradually speed up your rhythm.

    Second stanza:
    Nice to see some variety here. It's just one image, but powerful nonetheless. For some reason I felt like this part was sadder than the previous one. I could imagine you trying to gather all the shards that's left of your relationship(?), while your arms can barely bear them. Yet you strive on.

    Third stanza:
    Something I noticed about this stanza compared to the first one, is that they have the same structure, but the similes are different. The first stanza's similes served for visualization but I felt like the third stanza's similes were much deeper. Each line juxtaposed two things that don't seem to fit well together, but since they contrast so much it is very powerful. (Small versus giant; freedom versus prisoner.) It's as if you're feeling contradictory in your relationship. I'm not sure whether this is correct but I found these lines to be very enjoyable.
    The fifth line had too many "and's" for my taste, not because it's a "filler", but because you're going back to your monotone grocery list. I think things will be more impacting if you replaced the second "and" for a verb, so there's some sort of movement within this piece. Something like "beaten and bruised, lacking a friend in the world". I know "lacking" is a weak verb but I hope you understand what I mean by this when you read it out loud and compare it to what you have now. :)

    Fourth stanza:
    I certainly didn't expect something so direct, as the previous stanzas seemed like random images to support your state of hopelessness, but this stanza literally described your state. I liked this unexpected ending. You're even rhyming a bit, perhaps that's why it doesn't really sound awkward, as the lines sound too melodious to be disturbed by.

    Anyway, this was an outstanding write. Not only its imagery but also its technique. It just shows how simple words and the right tone can outshine extravagant words anytime.

  • 6 years ago

    by Saerelune

    Congrats on the win! :)

  • 6 years ago

    by PinkyPrincess

    Wow... this poem is amazing! I loved every word... every description was amazingly written... I love the meaning behind it. A well-deserved win. Congratulations!

  • 6 years ago

    by nourayasmine

    Janey!
    I love this piece, so much and I think you did an awesome job. It speaks so much and it made me feel inspired.

    P.S. those who are trying to downvote your poem must feel ashamed of themselves! :)

    Five!

  • 6 years ago

    by Jordan

    I like this.

    The contrasts are fantastic - they took me up and down and as I read it I wasn't sure what to think until the end.

    It's strong like an ox but
    he might be carrying too much weight.

    I know the feeling. <3

  • 6 years ago

    by A lonely soul

    These expressions can only come from the soul of a poet even when there is nothing left but heartaches and sorrow.

    it's the coat that keeps my heart from bursting
    into a dozen pieces like a beet in a blender
    set to ice crush.

    It's the strength I have to keep holding on
    when my arms feel like warm dough
    stretched across too much space.

    And a touching humility in a loss which may or may not have been avoidable:

    It's the certainty that what is coming
    is inevitable and soon, and it's knowing
    I failed to do all that I could.

    So moving..........

  • 6 years ago

    by Innocent Fairy

    Very good I loved it :)

  • 6 years ago

    by Kips

    Good picture painted. "A hopeless man is a lifeless man."

  • 5 years ago

    by The Queen

    It's refreshing to read poems with repetitions such as this because it's not in every poem that you get to read these days. Not only the repetitions were good additions to the poem but at the same time added a lot to the flow.

    Another fantastic poet who always adopts different styles. Bravo!

  • 5 years ago

    by Ste

    Ah but "Je ne regrette rien". Alexander the Great is reputed to have said "When a feared thing is inevitable it should no longer be feared". There should never be a hopelessness. I like very much your imagery.